Congenital heart defect

How I miserably failed at being a strong mum yesterday…

I am not in the right set of mind today. I think it’s pretty obvious with the title of this post really…Frenchie Mummy doesn’t feel like being funny aujourd’hui. She has a lot on her mind and all those horrible ideas are not going anywhere. It’s a shame, vraiment. The day is gorgeous. I could have been out with Baba. But I don’t feel like it.

Tomorrow it the BIG DAY. Le grand jour when it will all happen. As I explained before, Baba has a congenital heart defect called a VSD. He needs surgery to repair his faulty organ. We have been to the hospital yesterday for the pre-op arrangements. It’s been an exhausting and tiring day.

I am already in such a state… And it was only the pre-arrangements before the big day! We haven’t been through anything yet. I am dreading tomorrow. I don’t know how I will cope and if I will be strong enough.

We went to St Thomas’ Hospital at 10am and didn’t leave before 5pm. It was full of emotions. I know my baby is in good hands and the best cardiologists are taking care of him. But it was so depressing to be there and to go through everything: scan, IRM, ECG, blood test…

It took the nurses 6 attempts and a total of 1 hour to manage to get the necessary quantity of blood out of Baba. We had to come back three times because he was in such a state. Nothing would calm him down. The nurses eventually managed it, but it was so upsetting when I saw him screaming. His arms are now covered in little bruises where they tried to get the blood.

Staying around 7 hours in a hospital full of ill children was awful. I know I have no reason to complain when I think of my Baba. He looks so healthy and happy. He is now officially a big boy: 67 cm and a whopping weight of 10.35kgs. So yes, he is a healthy baby and the nurse said he will recover very fast.

Le petit monstre yesterday at the hospital

He is not like the other newborns we saw in the cardiac section yesterday. I met a little girl who was obviously premature. She was so tiny, I could hold her in a single hand…  Her mum was crying in the ward. It was probably not good news.

You have mixed feeling when you witness such a moment. Part of you feels really sad for this poor little thing and her family. But another part, I am ashamed to admit, feels relieved. Soulagée because your baby is not like that. He looks better, healthier. So you suddenly gain some hope that he will be ok. It’s terrible to say, I know but that’s the truth. I could not control it. I suppose, as humans, we have this bad tendency to compare ourselves to others.

So a difficult day hier and now I don’t feel much better. I thought I would really enjoy this day with le bébé before la tempête. I have some stuff to do around this house before tomorrow. I could do something nice with my little boy before his operation. But I don’t feel like doing anything.

He is now asleep. I thought that maybe writing would clear my mind up. I am so sorry that you may read that. It’s not really entertaining or funny. It’s just me crying like a little girl. But that’s all I feel like doing.

Looking at him now, he feels so peaceful. I reckon I will probably cuddle and try to kiss him too much today…

The plan is to arrive at the hospital at 7am in the morning tomorrow. He won’t have the operation before midday. But they need to prepare him and other stuff. I will stay with him at the hospital for about a week or so. I don’t know how I will cope with the whole thing. I will take my laptop. I reckon he will sleep a lot and I will have an opportunity to write. It will be therapeutic, j’espère! I can’t imagine staying around or doing nothing but watching TV and thinking too much!!!

I know how weak I am right now. But hopefully, after the 24 first hours in the intensive care, I will be myself again or at least a little bit. Wish me good luck!

I know I am not the only maman to endure this kind of things…


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81 thoughts on “How I miserably failed at being a strong mum yesterday…

  1. I’m not surprised you don’t feel like doing much, so many emotions, and things for you to deal with. You sound like a strong Mama to me though. A strong Mama is honest, open, and cries and admits it, there is no shame in any of that. Praying for you and your baba that all goes well tomorrow. Xxx

    1. Thank you for your nice comment! The hospital just called in to say that they have an emergency. Therefore the operation is now Friday. I don’t why, but I feel so happy it’s been rescheduled…. xxx

  2. We went through something similar when baba was very young. It is tough for us parents to face x you will be SO surprised at how quickly baba will recuperate. Hope you don’t mind me advising that you Look after You also whilst this is happening too as hard as it can be or you will be exhausted after! I will be thinking of you all x all will be well

    1. Thank you so much for yor kind words. YOu are not the only on to have told me to take care of me. The operation is now rescheduled to Friday so hopefully, I will have time to rest xxx

  3. My sympathies to you, I couldn’t imagine how you feel. The closest I come to understanding was when DD3 wouldn’t feet at 3 weeks old and I had to spend the night in hospital with her.
    My brother in law’s daughter suffered the same heart defect and had to have an open heart operation to correct the defect. She is fine and two years later she is as healthy as any child around her.
    I hope that will bring you some solace and when we next hear from you, the FrenchieMummy that we all love will be back.

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. I know it’s quite a common condition and I have nothing to worry about. It’s all about fears… But we will be fiine, I am sure! Thanks again for your lovely comment x

  4. What an awful time you’ve been through with Baba. He sounds like such a tough cookie and it’s so hard to see them go through anything that will cause them any pain.

    The fact it’s now been delayed until Friday is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand a few more precious days together, in the other having to wait it out and worry even longer.

    Totally not the same, but I had major surgery a couple of years ago and I knew I had to do it, get worse before I’d get better. I sat in the pre-op waiting room on my own reading ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ (what the hell is SHE having done, everyone must have thought lol!) At that point I realised I had to do it to move on. So no matter what nerves you are feeling, how scared you are, I hope this gives you some reassurance. Better to move on and recover than endlessly worry about what would happen if he didn’t have the op. Thinking of you and your strong Baba.

    P.s just think of all the fun you can have turning those delightful hospital meals into IG worthy snaps…

    1. haha I didn’t even think about that! Thank you so much for your comforting words. I agree with you about the extra day: I was so happy when the hospital called but then it’s another day to wait and think about it… XXXXX

  5. I’m thinking of you this week. Try to look after yourself, it will help you & help Baba with his recovery. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling but he is in the hands of some very experienced doctors and he’ll recover quickly I’m sure! It also doesn’t hurt to have a cry once in a while, all mums do ad probably for much less xxx

    1. Merci ma chérie, you are very kind! I am not ashamed to cry. I just feel sorry for Grumpy Boyfriend… Poor him, he has to put up with me LOL xxx

  6. Thinking of you all darling, must be hard but he and you all will be fine, I know it. Look after yourself, take time to eat well and keep your strength up so you can be strong for all. It’s natural to worry and be upset sweetie, you are not weak, you are a human and a loving mama, love to you all x

    1. Thanks for your kind words. I will be fine and Baba is in good hands. He is just playing on his mat now and such a happy baby! It just a bad time to pass and then all good. The old Frenchie Mummy will be back soon. Enjoy your stay in France xx

  7. Ah Frenchie this must be incredibly difficult so don’t worry about not being strong – you will do your best ! Your boy looks healthy and happy so fingers crossed for a speedy recovery – I’ll be thinking of you all tomorrow x #brillblogposts

    1. Merci! i know he will be fine. It’s just that the op is 6 hours and I will be around at the hospital like a mad woman. I can’t wait for all this to be over… Thanks for your kind words. xxx

  8. I am so sorry about all you are going through. I am sending love and healing thoughts to you and baba, and know, that all of our family is cheering you on! Kids are so resilient, way more so than we are! M’wah!

  9. Must be so difficult for you all
    I used to work on a paediatric ward -they’ll take the best care of you ALL and that including You -just ask any thing you are not sure of and I’m sure they’ll put your mind at rest
    My thoughts are with you all

  10. Oh Cecil. I am so sorry to hear what you are all going through. It must be such a difficult time, but your beautiful, healthy boy will bounce right back and be so much better for it. You ARE strong and I really admire your courage. Be kind to yourself. My thoughts are with you for tomorrow. Xx #momsterslink

  11. Oh my dear, you don’t know me but I want to say my thoughts and love are with you and your little boy. I am sure everything will go smoothly, I look forward to reading all about his swift recovery in a few weeks time. Stay strong Mama, your posts are allowed to be as full of tears and ranting and fear and serious talk as you need them to be, anything that helps give you strength and keep you calm through all this. #momsterslink

  12. My Big, she was born with two holes in her heart and a fancy name for what turns out to be a loud murmer. She saw many cardio docs as a kid and we were scared sh**less as they wouldn’t release her from the maternity ward some 8.5 years ago. When she was 5 or 6, after constant visits and check ups and monitoring, we graduated from cardio care. Her heart, big as can be in real life, had healed it’s holes naturally. Closed. Gone. She was and is fine. I hope the same for Baba and you and grumpy bf.

  13. Please do not be to hard on yourself. Your going through a really tough time and we can not be strong all the time. Take a little time out for yourself and make sure you eat and drink I know it sounds silly but I learnt the hard way. And be kind to you xxx #sundaybest

  14. Hope it went well. My brother’s child’s has CHD and they’ve been through a lot of operations. My youngest also went through a serious operation this time last year when he was 11 months. We were in hospital over 6 weeks. It is astounding how quickly babies bounce back my son’s zipper scar took a little while to heal but if it wasn’t for that you’d never know he had even been ill,let alone had major surgery! After a week of being a bit slow he was full of energy! Hope your Baba is too #KCACOLS #SundayBest

    1. He is fine thank you so much for your lovely comment. It is quite common for babies to be born with this kind of things. But I suppose you don’t know about it until it happens to you. xx

  15. My friend’s son had to have open heart surgery when he was 6m. He was so tiny, but such a happy little thing. He bounced back completely and is now a lovely toddler. I hope Frenchie baby makes a similar recovery. Best of luck! Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday

  16. It’s so hard when kids have to go into hospital. Our younger son went in for a small procedure but as he is autistic had to go under a general to get it done. I found it very difficult, and he didn’t understand what was going on. Big hugs for Friday xxx #eatsleepblogrt

    1. Thank you so much. My baby went to hospital last week for a heart operation. But he is good now. Thank you so much for asking. No panic we are fine, sorry if I upste you! xx

  17. I remember when my little one was 9mths old and was rushed to hospital with a blood infection. I could hear her screaming as they did a Lumbar puncture and many more tests. No mama wants to see their baba hurting. Thinking of you! Hang in there. Maybe you can sneak in some wine in your coffee mug! Please let us know how it goes! xxx #eatsleepblogrt

  18. Oh bless you you are not weak, you are a mum whose baby is having an operation! You have every right to feel everything you are feeling. I did my time in the neonatal unit and that was incredibly hard watching my poorly baby. I can but imagine you feelings the day before such an operation and my heart goes out to you and your little one. You are right he is in the best hands and it will help him in the long run. Be strong but cry and write if you need to. Do whatever gets you through I say. All the very best for the big day sending lots of well wishes xx #KCACOLS

  19. Wow, This must be so hard to have to deal with, and with bebe being so little he will never remember it! your an amazing strong mama, who can get through this and hey we all have off days, thanks for sharing its what we are here for! sharing is caring and i wish you all the best of luck x #eatsleepblogRT

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  21. You are NOT weak – you’re just dealing with a really difficult and stressful situation. The hardest thing for us as parents is when our children aren’t well and we don’t feel like we’re able to help them – but you’ll be fine, and so will your little man. Wishing him a speedy recovery! #EatSleepBlogRT

  22. You’re doing a great job and I can’t even imagine the pain this must be causing you. You can do this, you can be strong for your little boy. He is so cute by the way! But you already know that. His lovely chunky cheeks will help him with his recovery. Good luck with it all X

  23. sending all the love and positivity you way that I can, he is so adorable and I hope it all goes brilliantly and that he bounces right back to his gorgeous self. Hugs honey and look after yourself xoxo #EatsleepblogRT

  24. Oh darling lady, it is the hardest thing in the world when your baby is in hospital. You are being strong by writing about it, even if the tears are there with you. We don’t always have to be entertained and laugh with you, sometimes we are here to feel for you and cry with you. That’s what friends are for. You’ll get through this week with your lovely little family, and then it’s onwards and upwards! Thinking of you xx #EatSleepBlogRT

  25. So much strength. My thoughts and prayers are with you. One day at a time. Thank you for sharing at #OverTheMoon. Enjoy your week.

  26. You are strong! The way you felt is how any other mother would have felt at that time. I am glad you are home now and all is good x

    1. We are all good now. Baba is home and it’s like nothing happened. I saw you new post and your new fab series. I tried to comment but it didn’t work. Sorry! I tried, really like the interview with the unmumsy mum x

  27. Oh no, it doesn’t sound like you failed at all. It sounds like you were so incredibly strong. Because, despite your tears. Despite your terror and panic and wishes to take your baby and run the other way, you took him into that hospital because you knew that was what was best for him. I can’t imagine the experience, but I am so glad you’re on the other side! <3 Thanks for sharing #KCACOLS

  28. It definitely doesn’t sound like you miserably failed at being a strong mummy. Preparing for your baby to have open-heart surgery is an incredibly hard and scary thing to go through. I see from the comments that Baba is now home and that all went well – so pleased to hear that. You are an amazingly strong mummy even if you don’t feel like you are. Sending big hugs from one heart mummy to another x #ablogginggoodtime

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  30. You are so NOT failing. You are doing everything you can to be a good mum for baba and emotions are normal. I think you are amazing! Big hug for you and baba. Thanks for linking with us at #ablogginggoodtime

  31. Oh my heart goes out to – you are braver than you think. What a terrible time for you and Baba. So pleased to hear he is doing well. Brave baby and brave mama xxx #EatSleepBlogRT

  32. Oh gosh, I really feel for you. There is nothing worse then seeing you child in this vulnerable situation. When you feel so helpless as a parent. I really hope that the operation went well and your gorgeous bubba is on the road to recovery. You shouldn’t apologise for not being strong at these times. You are going to be feeling so many different emotions and you need to be kind to yourself. You are an amazing mumma. Hugs Lucy xxxx #SundayBest

  33. I am honestly glad I have read this after knowing that he is doing good. What a scary moment for any parent to go through. I think the hardest thing for me in life is to ever think of any of my children being sick or suffering or having to endure any kind of pain. I would gladly take it for them. Big hugs to you Cecile!

  34. Oh and I forgot to thank you for linking with #momsterslink and I am sorry that I am so far behind in my commenting.

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