Bonjour lecteurs! No doubt that your emotions are a rollercoaster right now! Some days, I am the happiest woman on earth. Others, I feel like killing someone ? Whatever your opinion is about the lockdown and if we should ease it or not, one thing is for certain… It Is Ok To Not Feel Grateful During Lockdown and here is why! Ring a bell anyone? As it is #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek and its annual theme is ‘kindness’, I say be kind to yourself…
My Little Bubble
When the lockdown was officially announced, it was a bit of a shock. As often in such situation, I was putting my head in the sand and hoping we would not come to this.
The truth is, I can easily lock myself into my little bubble of happiness and deliberately ignore the rest of the world. I am not proud of this, but I reckon it is a protection mechanism.
My First Reactions
Anyway, the lockdown started and as many other people, I was immediately concerned for my family and loved ones.
More importantly, I was worried about how I was going to juggle it all: homeschooling Baba, house, work…
Not only that, but I also had to adapt and become another person somehow. I am very sociable and zoom meetings and WhatsApp calls are not doing it for me anymore. I want to see people I love, touch them, cuddle them and not do it via a compute or a phone ?♂️
Add up all the misinformation and idiocy about COVID online, and I really started to feel lost. My mental health got shaken.
Nothing abnormal. Going through those unprocessed times is quite something!
But I decided to remain grateful. I read a lot of news and forums online. And I was quick to realise that despite the lack of income and my worries, I was not doing that bad.
I am also very much in favour of practising gratitude. I know how lucky I am to have a nice house, to be able to still put food on the table. En plus, we live in the country, so we have also been able to go for walks without putting ourself in danger.
So I know I am probably in a more privileged position compared to others.
But I must admit it, I am now experiencing some gratitude fatigue…
Tired Of The Word!
S’il-vous-plaît, tell me I am not the only one to feel that way! I am officially tired of feeling bloody grateful!
So much I have now stopped to write my gratitude journal. I am constantly seeing it everywhere and it actually has the other effect on me. I needed to stop this exercise altogether.
And oui, my tribe is safe and well. We can still afford our house and I can put food on the table. Hallelujah! But I think it is also ok to be bored with the word ‘GRATITUDE‘.
Seriously, it sometimes feels like it is some kind of Saint Graal to achieve at the minute ? Everyone prescribes it, even when they are not experts whatsoever! We are bombarded with this message like we already don’t have enough on our plate…
Let’s Start A Conversation
So I spitted it out on Instagram. Even if I might look like an ungrateful cow, I said it clear and loud. I DON’T WANT TO FEEL GRATEFUL ANYMORE!
I am officially bored with this sweet and sugary feeling! And another thing I don’t want to hear either this week? To enjoy a slower pace with my family and take it one day at the time.
I am sorry but I have done it and I am over it. I look back at my gratitude journal and its feels cringe, forced and insincere.
Yes, I am lucky in my situation, compared to others. But right now, it is not enough anymore!
And according to the responses I got on my post, I am not the only one feeling this way.
Why It’s OK To Not Feel Grateful During Lockdown
And trust me, I am all about positivity and getting stronger out of this. But there are times when I wish I could press a ‘pause’ button. Just because each time I see the word ‘gratitude’ I actually feel guilty to think the opposite.
And the last thing I want now is to feel like a failure because I am not grateful for what I have…
Actually, I tell you what, I HATE it! And more importantly, It’s OK To Not Feel Grateful During Lockdown!
Angry, bored, confused, exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed, uncertain… Those are the feelings I am experiencing right now because I am done trying to be the best parent while working from home.
Because My Days Are Not Worth Being Grateful…
Days look like this:
- 6 am: get up early so that you can do some work
- 2 coffees later and you are on
- boys get up, breakfast time
- quick! let’s do a workout or two so that you stay in shape!
- play, learn, teach with Baba so that you don’t feel like a bad mum
- at that point, you might hide a minute or two in the toilet for some ‘me time’
- lunchtime! once more, let’s cook, clean the kitchen
- put him in front of the cartoons so that you can do some work or at least reply to some emails
- at this point, the guilt is high so…
- you shout at Grumpy Boyfriend because he is ‘hiding’ in his office upstairs
- actually, wait! he is the only one making any decent money right now. So I let him off with that one
- let’s go for a walk or on our scooter
- feeling good after having some fresh air
- at this point, you decide to give up with homeschooling
- let’s put some more TV on and have a snack
- that includes one for you too, so really you should do another workout to make it up
- oh and let’s not forget a cheeky glass of vino. You deserve it!
- fuck the diet!
- bathtime, quickly do the laundry
- and dinner encore! More food to prepare. Call me Raymond Blanc from now on ?
- clean up, try to do some more work and argue with Grumpy about who is to take care of Baba now
- 9.30: you managed to have a shower and a weekly mask: it is your new ‘me time‘. Such a cool cat you are…
- let’s watch some TV and you to try hard to not feel asleep before 10 pm ?
And tomorrow will be exactly the same. Depressing? Un peu sometimes if I must be honest…
Can I Just Scream Please?!
I don’t want to embrace anything anymore. I want to live fully, and not feeling scared of an invisible threat. No more slowing down, please! I want to go faster and feel stronger. Not like I am left in limbo.
I am done being amazed at nature and rediscovering my neighbourhood or relaxing at home.
I am done baking, cooking, cleaning, playing, teaching doing some sport so that I get to exteriorise my feelings and I don’t end up killing someone…
Any psychologist would tell you, it is okay to be a mess sometimes, especially now with what we are witnessing.
So next time you read something online or on social media, where people remind you to practise gratitude to overcome your fears, TURN IT OFF!
Go for a walk or simply take it on someone else ?
Oops! Désolée, Grumpy Boyfriend, you are the only one around so you will be my punching ball for today!
And please, stop telling me to embrace the day I just described. I have done this so many times now I reached the point where I am not even pretending half of it makes me happy ? I am just waiting for better days.
Are you feeling the same? Do you also think the gratitude trend is getting really untrendy? How do you feel most of the days? Truly?