I am a terrible person

Today, I just feel like I am the worst person in the world. I must admit, I did something very bad. He is dead; he is gone for good. I will never see him again and I believe that’s all my fault. I feel terrible because I didn’t take care of him properly. Otherwise, why would he be gone so young? It was my responsibility. But I was so busy. The last 5 months have been intense, totally crazy. And now, I am just crying like a little girl. I promise I loved him. Or maybe not enough because I let him go?

It happened yesterday. Grumpy Boyfriend checked on him and he was there, lying down, not breathing anymore. At first, I thought it was one of Grumpy Boyfriend’s bad jokes. He arrived in our bedroom, looking contrite and said the dreadful words: ‘ll est mort’.  I ran to the other room and the truth slapped me in the face. He was indeed gone, forever. I burst into tears. It was my fault. I didn’t care enough for him. I let it happen. Even writing this now makes me feel so sad and I can’t stop from feeling coupable.

I always thought that I wasn’t a bad person, but actually, I am the worst woman on earth right now! I am evil. I neglected him. I stopped looking at him, loving him a while ago. And now that I won’t be able to see him ever again and take him in my hands, I am terribly sad. What a selfish idiot I am! Don’t pity me. I totally deserve it.

You know what I did the other day while I was cleaning the house? Yeah, I sometimes do this miserable job… I was such in a mood about doing it that I was like a crazy woman in the flat. ‘Putain, merde! I can’t believe I am cleaning the house on a Saturday!’ He was there in the living-room and I was on a mission to hoover. Beau-Papa was coming the day after, so I wanted the place to be spotless (not that it happens a lot lately. But I can actually pretend it’s the case when people visit us). Fuming over my boring Saturday at home, I bumped into him and he fell on the floor. ‘Attention!’ screamed Grumpy Boyfriend. ‘He is here’. And me to whisper under my breath ‘Argh! Sort him out!’

What if he’s dead because of me? After all, I pushed him really hard… I am such a monster.

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I remember when he entered our life, not so long ago. I was so happy to have him. I was cuddling him, feeding him, playing with him. The whole stuff. He was my baby. I would wash him and he wouldn’t be a big fan of it. I would let him play on the bed some evenings and somehow, he would always manage to be naughty and drive me crazy. But I found him cute with his little eyes, attachant even. I would pretend to tell him off, even though deep-down, he was making me laugh being so cheeky.

But then, I started losing interest. Quelle surprise! Me wanting something new and after some months being bored of it… But now he is gone, I feel like I should have done more. I should have played with him more often. I should have given him cuddles like I did in the first place.

Trop tard! Regrets are for idiots. I should have fully enjoyed it while he was there, in our life. Tomorrow, we are going to take his little body and put it in a box. In hope to forget how bad I was towards him last weekend and to redeem myself, I even selected the most beautiful box I have. One of my jewellery boxes. And we will give him the best funeral ever somewhere in the woods next weekend.

Yes, you guessed it. Mon hamster Loulou est mort. RIP my little friend. I am so sorry I totally neglected you at the end of your (too short!) life. Rest in peace au paradis des hamsters.

loulou

P.S, Grumpy Boyfriend insisted on me saying that it was mainly HIM who took care of Loulou all these months. I am such a terrible person!

 

Crying

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0 thoughts on “I am a terrible person

  1. Aww so sorry to hear that your little hamster is gone. You really had me going there with your great and captivating writing style.

  2. I’m sorry about your loss ;-( But I don’t think that’s your fault…

    My son is getting an hamster for his birthday in July……

  3. Ah ha it’s the hampster! I have been wondering all morning. Killing your husband seemed unlikely lol The poor little guy – he was so cute!! Thanks so much for sharing with us at #BloggerClubUK x

  4. Argh – it was the hamster. I sped read to the end as I couldn’t guess who or what you killed. ANyway don’t beat yourself up about it – hamsters are boring, smelly pets. Easy to neglect. #BloggerClubUK

  5. Im sorry I shouldn’t laugh, and Im not laughing at the sad loss of your hamster, I am laughing because your story telling is fantastic!! really brilliant piece of writing! 🙂

    still sorry for the death of the hamster.

    #bloggerclubuk

  6. When my daughter’s hamster died, she didn’t notice for a few days. Then she wanted to bury him at her Dad’s, so we had him in the freezer with the frozen broccoli for a week. Don’t feel guilty. RIP Loulou. Alison x #Brilliantblogposts

  7. At least you gave the hamster this lovely eulogy! Bless him, very cute. I’m sure he had a good life. #BloggerClubUK

  8. Oh my goodness, I was racing through your piece thinking what has she done? what is it? Great writing, but very sad news. They have such a short lifespan hamsters don’t they? #coolmumclub

  9. Aw don’t be so hard on yourself. Sometimes there’s just only so much mummy to go around! Sleep tight little fluffy one. Gone to the giant hamster ball in the sky. Hugs xx #coolmumclub

  10. Oh, this is so sad! Poor thing! I had a hamster when I was a little girl and I cried so much when he died (after 6 months). But don’t feel guilty, a hamster’s life is said to be short. That’s why my next pet was a cat. 😉 #coolmumclub

  11. If it’s any consolation I have killed eight goldfish in the four years Archie has been alive – bloody pets! we have become a pet-free house of late and we’re all the better for it! with deepest sympathies X #abloggingoodtime

  12. Aww I’m sorry to hear about Loulou 😞😞 its tricky caring for pets when you have a new baby in the house my poor chat (see what I did there) must think I’ve double deserted them now we have another small human in the house. Don’t beat yourself up muma!! #fortheloveofBLOG xx

  13. Awww. Rest in peace little guy. Not your fault at all though. Don’t beat yourself up! It is tough being a Mummy and multi-tasking. And we become paranoid as Mummies too. I neglected my cat once I became pregnant and felt so guilty. In the end our Nan took her. I couldn’t forgive myself for not giving her the attention she needed. But she was SO much happier in the end. Fabulous article as always. You write so well. 🙂 X #fortheloveofBLOG

  14. Exactly the same thing happened to me a few years ago. I felt so guilty. He was with my Sister at the time though so he wasn’t alone. She looked after him far better than I ever did. The guilt does pass, promise! #justanotherlinky

  15. Oh how sad – may I offer my deepest condolences to you at this very difficult time and let me comfort you by saying I’m sure he is now in a much better place. You may have lost him but you (hopefully) will never lose the memories of the time you spent together. Just be careful if you bury him – If you get a dog he may ‘return’ #marvmondays

  16. I had to keep re-reading as I was skimming through so fast to see who you killed, and then I realized I was missing parts, so it took me forever to find out who you offed! LOL I was thinking it was a plant at first, but when you said you let it play on the bed I had to re-guess.

    Poor Loulou! I’m sure he had a much better life with you than in the petstore. Let’s just choose to believe that it was his time. Check out all the comments above. Did a hampster ever have such an international wake? I think not! LOL

  17. RIP little guy! This is why we never have pets, I have so much on my mind I’d probably forget they exist! >_< Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. Kaye xo

  18. Ah I’m so sorry to hear about your hamster lovely. That’s so sad but do not blame yourself. Very well written though – love your writing style. I do like someone who can tell a story well! #bestandworst

  19. Oh no I was really worried reading this that it was about your Son, I’m relieved it was your hamster, but also really sad for you. Your hamster sounds like he was a lovely pet, and well cared for. Will you get another? Thanks so much for linking up a second post at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

  20. I may be a more terrible person, as I may have giggled a little at this! I was guessing goldfish up until the pushed him & used to enjoy cuddling him parts – that made fish seem unlikely! RIP LouLou! #ablogginggoodtime

    1. I wonder who is the most terrible out of us two… You laughing at such a sad story or me trying to use a terrible event to make people laugh. Somehow, I strongly believe that we are very similar. Happy you enjoyed it 😉

  21. I am so sorry for your loss! I, too, had a hamster once and having one made me realize that I am not equipped to take care of such a tiny creature. For what it’s worth I don’t think it makes you a horrible person. Popping over from #momsterlink

  22. When you first started the post I knew that it had to be an animal. I love the way you played it out. My kids want a small furry animal but our German Shepard is enough for me. She’s a great dog and the kids can’t squeeze her to death nor can she get out somewhere in the house where I can’t find her…like a snake. Thanks for linking up with #momsterslink always enjoy your posts.

  23. Aw it doesn’t make you a bad person. It sounds like he was a happy little guy really! Hamsters don’t live for very long anyway. I love how you didn’t reveal who was dead until the end, I had to keep checking that I hadn’t missed it!

  24. aww bless! RIP! Sometimes you get these little creatures and then it’s just so hard to keep up and look after and care for them. Bless. Don’t feel bad!!! I wondered if it would be a fish at first or dog!!! Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst x

  25. aww little fella, it is hard looking after pets really bloody hard, I love getting pets I am slightly addicted but I hate the looking after part. Poor Hamster so sad xx

  26. Hahaha I was reading the whole time like “who died”? Did she lose the favourite blanket? Dummy? It can’t be….noooo. Ah thank God it’s the hamster. But sincerest commiserations, I lost my hamster around the same age due to a little bit of neglect eeeeks. RIP Lou Lou xxx #anythinggoes

  27. So sorry to hear about your little guy. Pets become family members so easily. They fit in and take what they can. I’m sure it was not your fault. RIP little furry fellow.

  28. Oh gosh – don’t talk to me about hamsters… I wrote about our sorry tale a while ago.

    Thanks for linking to #sharewithme – hope to see you again

  29. I feel your pain. My two boys each got a hamster back in April. They were 8 weeks old. One day short of having them for a month they boys were playing with Dozer and he fell off the table. I felt guilty for allowing them to play with Dozer unsupervised. That some how it was my fault. I could have prevented it. Perhaps Loulou and Dozer have found each other and are having a blast.

  30. I remember feeling a similar kind of guilt when I lost my hamster as a child – he did however live an incredibly long life for a hamster, I think I grew out of the excitment of having him quite some time before he finally past away (sniff, sorry lovely Perkin, you will always have a place in my heart) #picknmix

    1. The same for me! I loved him at first like a new toy and then got bored… When my baby arrived, it was over. That’s why I felt so bad when he died. Hopefully he is in a better place now… Thanks for reading x

  31. Oh no! Poor baby. I’m sure it’s not your fault. I used to have a rabbit when I was a child. It escaped it’s running hunt and got chased by a big dog round the field. It had a heart attack died! 🙁 I feel your pain. Thank you for linking up with us. RIP Little one. Xx #FabFridayPost

  32. We used to have hamsters a lot as children, some were lovely and cuddly and some were vicious little devils. Sorry to hear yours has died.
    Thanks for linking up to #PicknMix

    Stevie x

  33. Sorry to hear your sad news :-(. I have never had hamsters but did have a fish that I won at the fair! Didn’t last long I must admit, not sure if it was my care or because it had been kept in a plastic bag on the stall!! #PicknMix

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