I am a terrible person

Today, I just feel like I am the worst person in the world. I must admit, I did something very bad. He is dead; he is gone for good. I will never see him again and I believe that’s all my fault. I feel terrible because I didn’t take care of him properly. Otherwise, why would he be gone so young? It was my responsibility. But I was so busy. The last 5 months have been intense, totally crazy. And now, I am just crying like a little girl. I promise I loved him. Or maybe not enough because I let him go?

It happened yesterday. Grumpy Boyfriend checked on him and he was there, lying down, not breathing anymore. At first, I thought it was one of Grumpy Boyfriend’s bad jokes. He arrived in our bedroom, looking contrite and said the dreadful words: ‘ll est mort’.  I ran to the other room and the truth slapped me in the face. He was indeed gone, forever. I burst into tears. It was my fault. I didn’t care enough for him. I let it happen. Even writing this now makes me feel so sad and I can’t stop from feeling coupable.

I always thought that I wasn’t a bad person, but actually, I am the worst woman on earth right now! I am evil. I neglected him. I stopped looking at him, loving him a while ago. And now that I won’t be able to see him ever again and take him in my hands, I am terribly sad. What a selfish idiot I am! Don’t pity me. I totally deserve it.

You know what I did the other day while I was cleaning the house? Yeah, I sometimes do this miserable job… I was such in a mood about doing it that I was like a crazy woman in the flat. ‘Putain, merde! I can’t believe I am cleaning the house on a Saturday!’ He was there in the living-room and I was on a mission to hoover. Beau-Papa was coming the day after, so I wanted the place to be spotless (not that it happens a lot lately. But I can actually pretend it’s the case when people visit us). Fuming over my boring Saturday at home, I bumped into him and he fell on the floor. ‘Attention!’ screamed Grumpy Boyfriend. ‘He is here’. And me to whisper under my breath ‘Argh! Sort him out!’

What if he’s dead because of me? After all, I pushed him really hard… I am such a monster.

tumblr_inline_nrm2qzby6F1qd66dt_500

I remember when he entered our life, not so long ago. I was so happy to have him. I was cuddling him, feeding him, playing with him. The whole stuff. He was my baby. I would wash him and he wouldn’t be a big fan of it. I would let him play on the bed some evenings and somehow, he would always manage to be naughty and drive me crazy. But I found him cute with his little eyes, attachant even. I would pretend to tell him off, even though deep-down, he was making me laugh being so cheeky.

But then, I started losing interest. Quelle surprise! Me wanting something new and after some months being bored of it… But now he is gone, I feel like I should have done more. I should have played with him more often. I should have given him cuddles like I did in the first place.

Trop tard! Regrets are for idiots. I should have fully enjoyed it while he was there, in our life. Tomorrow, we are going to take his little body and put it in a box. In hope to forget how bad I was towards him last weekend and to redeem myself, I even selected the most beautiful box I have. One of my jewellery boxes. And we will give him the best funeral ever somewhere in the woods next weekend.

Yes, you guessed it. Mon hamster Loulou est mort. RIP my little friend. I am so sorry I totally neglected you at the end of your (too short!) life. Rest in peace au paradis des hamsters.

loulou

P.S, Grumpy Boyfriend insisted on me saying that it was mainly HIM who took care of Loulou all these months. I am such a terrible person!

 

Crying

Nominations for the Mumsnet Blogging Awards 2016 are on until 31st July. If you liked this post, I would love you to nominate me for the Best Writer category. It’s very simple; just click on the link above. Merci from a Frenchie blogger ?

 

Cuddle Fairy
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98 Comments

  1. Mary-The Boondocks Blog
    June 21, 2016 / 11:35 pm

    Aww so sorry to hear that your little hamster is gone. You really had me going there with your great and captivating writing style.

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 22, 2016 / 5:19 am

      Unfortunately, he is gone. I am feeling so guilty… No more hamster for us for a little while!

  2. Over Heaven's Hill
    June 22, 2016 / 7:01 am

    Oh no the poor little thing. I can see you feel rotten about it, but these things happen. Don’t blame yourself :'( #bloggerclubuk

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 22, 2016 / 7:14 am

      No I was really bad with him… Even banned him from the living-room as I thought Baba had allergies…?

      • Over Heaven's Hill
        June 22, 2016 / 7:32 am

        Ah bless! :'(

  3. June 22, 2016 / 8:51 am

    aw! sadness! RIP little Hamster! xx x #bloggerclubuk

  4. Emmi
    June 22, 2016 / 8:53 am

    I’m sorry about your loss ;-( But I don’t think that’s your fault…

    My son is getting an hamster for his birthday in July……

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 22, 2016 / 9:11 am

      Bear in mind they survived maximum two years and get cold very easily. But they are lovely pets.

  5. Becky, Cuddle Fairy
    June 22, 2016 / 12:24 pm

    Ah ha it’s the hampster! I have been wondering all morning. Killing your husband seemed unlikely lol The poor little guy – he was so cute!! Thanks so much for sharing with us at #BloggerClubUK x

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 22, 2016 / 1:01 pm

      Killing Grumpy Boyfriend? yeah I thought about it a couple of time. For a start, he wouldn’t marry me. How does he dare?!
      ?

  6. June 22, 2016 / 12:38 pm

    aww sorry to read about your loss – go buy another one and make up for it! #BloggerClubUK

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 22, 2016 / 1:01 pm

      No I am done with it. I was rubbish with the last one…

  7. June 22, 2016 / 1:36 pm

    Argh – it was the hamster. I sped read to the end as I couldn’t guess who or what you killed. ANyway don’t beat yourself up about it – hamsters are boring, smelly pets. Easy to neglect. #BloggerClubUK

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 22, 2016 / 2:03 pm

      I indeed neglected this one very well. Love your comment hahaha

  8. laughing mum
    June 22, 2016 / 7:04 pm

    Im sorry I shouldn’t laugh, and Im not laughing at the sad loss of your hamster, I am laughing because your story telling is fantastic!! really brilliant piece of writing! 🙂

    still sorry for the death of the hamster.

    #bloggerclubuk

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 22, 2016 / 8:17 pm

      well if it’s well written, then Loulou would surely be honoured

  9. Magali
    June 22, 2016 / 8:39 pm

    Hopefully Loulou has now found Jean Jean and they will rest in peace together… ?

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 22, 2016 / 9:00 pm

      Merci ma chérie, yeah maybe xx

  10. alisonlonghurst
    June 22, 2016 / 10:18 pm

    When my daughter’s hamster died, she didn’t notice for a few days. Then she wanted to bury him at her Dad’s, so we had him in the freezer with the frozen broccoli for a week. Don’t feel guilty. RIP Loulou. Alison x #Brilliantblogposts

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 22, 2016 / 11:07 pm

      OMG in the freezer! I am sure he was happy next to the broccoli.

  11. June 23, 2016 / 5:55 am

    I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Don’t beat yourself up about it. RIP Loulou. #ablogginggoodtime

  12. Gym Bunny Mummy
    June 23, 2016 / 6:32 am

    Oh no, poor hamster. At least it was quick! #blogginggoodtime

  13. min1980
    June 23, 2016 / 7:55 am

    At least you gave the hamster this lovely eulogy! Bless him, very cute. I’m sure he had a good life. #BloggerClubUK

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 23, 2016 / 8:39 am

      I would’t be so sure but thanks ?

  14. June 23, 2016 / 10:12 am

    Oh nooooo it’s so sad when a hamster dies! But what a lovely dedication for his passing – thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely! x

  15. June 23, 2016 / 10:46 am

    Oh my goodness, I was racing through your piece thinking what has she done? what is it? Great writing, but very sad news. They have such a short lifespan hamsters don’t they? #coolmumclub

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 23, 2016 / 11:11 am

      yeah you are right but I definitely sped up the process for mine…

  16. June 23, 2016 / 11:18 am

    Aw don’t be so hard on yourself. Sometimes there’s just only so much mummy to go around! Sleep tight little fluffy one. Gone to the giant hamster ball in the sky. Hugs xx #coolmumclub

  17. June 23, 2016 / 12:46 pm

    Oh, this is so sad! Poor thing! I had a hamster when I was a little girl and I cried so much when he died (after 6 months). But don’t feel guilty, a hamster’s life is said to be short. That’s why my next pet was a cat. 😉 #coolmumclub

  18. June 23, 2016 / 7:21 pm

    It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…

    Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub.

    RIP LouLou

  19. June 23, 2016 / 8:44 pm

    Ah RIP loulou. As a child my hamster lasted for years even when I forgot to feed him once for 3 or 4 days. Eek! #coolmumclub lifeinthemumslane

  20. Honest Mum
    June 24, 2016 / 6:48 pm

    Aw that little face, sorry he’s gone x

  21. June 24, 2016 / 10:40 pm

    If it’s any consolation I have killed eight goldfish in the four years Archie has been alive – bloody pets! we have become a pet-free house of late and we’re all the better for it! with deepest sympathies X #abloggingoodtime

  22. June 25, 2016 / 9:04 am

    Aww I’m sorry to hear about Loulou ?? its tricky caring for pets when you have a new baby in the house my poor chat (see what I did there) must think I’ve double deserted them now we have another small human in the house. Don’t beat yourself up muma!! #fortheloveofBLOG xx

  23. beccaweatherall
    June 25, 2016 / 8:11 pm

    Awww. Rest in peace little guy. Not your fault at all though. Don’t beat yourself up! It is tough being a Mummy and multi-tasking. And we become paranoid as Mummies too. I neglected my cat once I became pregnant and felt so guilty. In the end our Nan took her. I couldn’t forgive myself for not giving her the attention she needed. But she was SO much happier in the end. Fabulous article as always. You write so well. 🙂 X #fortheloveofBLOG

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 25, 2016 / 9:51 pm

      Thank you so much for reading and commenting ?

  24. June 25, 2016 / 8:26 pm

    Ahh poor hamster. It’s so sad when a pet dies. He was a little cutie, hope you’re ok.xx #coolmumclub

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 25, 2016 / 9:52 pm

      Better now but I really felt guilty at first. We will bury him tomorrow thanks for reading

  25. Double the Monkey Business
    June 26, 2016 / 6:26 am

    So sorry for your loss hun. It is never easy when we lose a pet, sending hugs xxx #BloggerClubUK

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 26, 2016 / 7:08 am

      We bury him today. For the next one, I will be a better girl!

  26. June 26, 2016 / 1:40 pm

    Poor hamster 🙁 I had a hamster a few years ago, it lasted a week before it died! x #fortheloveofBLOG

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 26, 2016 / 1:54 pm

      That is really short! I am done with ? hamsters. Thanks for reading

  27. June 26, 2016 / 4:29 pm

    If it’s any consolation, I’m pretty sure that if our rabbit disappeared it would be weeks before anybody else in this house noticed #justanotherlinky

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 26, 2016 / 4:31 pm

      ?

  28. Jakijellz
    June 26, 2016 / 11:22 pm

    Exactly the same thing happened to me a few years ago. I felt so guilty. He was with my Sister at the time though so he wasn’t alone. She looked after him far better than I ever did. The guilt does pass, promise! #justanotherlinky

  29. June 27, 2016 / 12:46 pm

    At least he went peacefully at home surrounded by those he loved..sort of! #marvmondays

  30. June 27, 2016 / 1:30 pm

    fabulous but sad post, written perfectly! Maybe when your little one is bigger you could attempt another one? thanks for sharing and don’t beat yourself up x #MarvMondays

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 27, 2016 / 1:31 pm

      No more hamster. Next is a dog.

        • thefrenchiemummy
          Author
          June 27, 2016 / 1:34 pm

          Yeah but Baba will be old enough to take care of it. I will only do the cool stuff like cuddles and Grumpy Boyfriend can be in charge of the poo…?

  31. June 27, 2016 / 2:12 pm

    Oh how sad – may I offer my deepest condolences to you at this very difficult time and let me comfort you by saying I’m sure he is now in a much better place. You may have lost him but you (hopefully) will never lose the memories of the time you spent together. Just be careful if you bury him – If you get a dog he may ‘return’ #marvmondays

  32. nikkifrankhamilton
    June 27, 2016 / 3:17 pm

    I had to keep re-reading as I was skimming through so fast to see who you killed, and then I realized I was missing parts, so it took me forever to find out who you offed! LOL I was thinking it was a plant at first, but when you said you let it play on the bed I had to re-guess.

    Poor Loulou! I’m sure he had a much better life with you than in the petstore. Let’s just choose to believe that it was his time. Check out all the comments above. Did a hampster ever have such an international wake? I think not! LOL

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 27, 2016 / 3:38 pm

      So right thanks for commenting ?

  33. Kaye
    June 27, 2016 / 6:16 pm

    RIP little guy! This is why we never have pets, I have so much on my mind I’d probably forget they exist! >_< Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. Kaye xo

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 27, 2016 / 6:29 pm

      Fair enough ☺ i am done for a little while too. Thanks for reading x

  34. June 27, 2016 / 8:51 pm

    Aww that’s really sad, RIP little hamster #marvmondays

  35. June 29, 2016 / 7:06 am

    Ah I’m so sorry to hear about your hamster lovely. That’s so sad but do not blame yourself. Very well written though – love your writing style. I do like someone who can tell a story well! #bestandworst

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 29, 2016 / 7:46 am

      Thank you for saying that x

  36. June 29, 2016 / 5:30 pm

    Bless…we had a hamster that looked just like yours called Sherbet. Even tiny family members are family members ? #bestandworst

  37. June 29, 2016 / 7:18 pm

    Oh bless you. rest in peace loulou. Don’t blame yourself. they are such independent creatures and will go when they want to go!

    Thanks for linking to #ablogginggoodtime

  38. The Pramshed
    June 29, 2016 / 8:04 pm

    Oh no I was really worried reading this that it was about your Son, I’m relieved it was your hamster, but also really sad for you. Your hamster sounds like he was a lovely pet, and well cared for. Will you get another? Thanks so much for linking up a second post at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 29, 2016 / 8:18 pm

      I don’t think I will for the moment. I am conscious that I let the hamster unloved since Baba arrived…

  39. Silly Mummy
    June 29, 2016 / 9:41 pm

    I may be a more terrible person, as I may have giggled a little at this! I was guessing goldfish up until the pushed him & used to enjoy cuddling him parts – that made fish seem unlikely! RIP LouLou! #ablogginggoodtime

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 29, 2016 / 9:43 pm

      I wonder who is the most terrible out of us two… You laughing at such a sad story or me trying to use a terrible event to make people laugh. Somehow, I strongly believe that we are very similar. Happy you enjoyed it ?

  40. June 30, 2016 / 7:07 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss! I, too, had a hamster once and having one made me realize that I am not equipped to take care of such a tiny creature. For what it’s worth I don’t think it makes you a horrible person. Popping over from #momsterlink

  41. Julie S.
    June 30, 2016 / 7:24 pm

    Poor little hamster, but they don’t really live that long. I’m sorry you lost your pet 🙁

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      June 30, 2016 / 7:38 pm

      Thanks for reading

  42. Trista, Domesticated Momster
    July 1, 2016 / 7:03 pm

    When you first started the post I knew that it had to be an animal. I love the way you played it out. My kids want a small furry animal but our German Shepard is enough for me. She’s a great dog and the kids can’t squeeze her to death nor can she get out somewhere in the house where I can’t find her…like a snake. Thanks for linking up with #momsterslink always enjoy your posts.

  43. Something Crunchy Mummy
    July 1, 2016 / 8:28 pm

    Oh bless you – your not a as person. Sorry for your lose. Thanks got linking up to #justanotherlinky xx

  44. riverswritesblog
    July 1, 2016 / 9:55 pm

    Aw it doesn’t make you a bad person. It sounds like he was a happy little guy really! Hamsters don’t live for very long anyway. I love how you didn’t reveal who was dead until the end, I had to keep checking that I hadn’t missed it!

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      July 1, 2016 / 10:23 pm

      Ha ha ha I like teasing my readers. Thanks for stopping and commenting.

  45. July 3, 2016 / 1:46 pm

    aww bless! RIP! Sometimes you get these little creatures and then it’s just so hard to keep up and look after and care for them. Bless. Don’t feel bad!!! I wondered if it would be a fish at first or dog!!! Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst x

  46. mackenzieglanville
    July 4, 2016 / 6:05 am

    aww little fella, it is hard looking after pets really bloody hard, I love getting pets I am slightly addicted but I hate the looking after part. Poor Hamster so sad xx

  47. July 4, 2016 / 2:35 pm

    Hahaha I was reading the whole time like “who died”? Did she lose the favourite blanket? Dummy? It can’t be….noooo. Ah thank God it’s the hamster. But sincerest commiserations, I lost my hamster around the same age due to a little bit of neglect eeeeks. RIP Lou Lou xxx #anythinggoes

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      July 4, 2016 / 4:41 pm

      Thanks for your support. I am sure he is better in the hamster’s paradise now..

  48. July 4, 2016 / 6:21 pm

    So sorry to hear about your little guy. Pets become family members so easily. They fit in and take what they can. I’m sure it was not your fault. RIP little furry fellow.

  49. mummyfever
    July 6, 2016 / 9:45 am

    Oh gosh – don’t talk to me about hamsters… I wrote about our sorry tale a while ago.

    Thanks for linking to #sharewithme – hope to see you again

  50. July 6, 2016 / 2:30 pm

    Oh no I’m so sorry! I had a hamster when I was young, it’s so sad when they die. 🙁
    #coolmumclub

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      July 6, 2016 / 3:06 pm

      It’s ok, I am over it now but I felt guilty at first.

  51. July 8, 2016 / 10:37 am

    Ahh poor little hammy. The one I had as a kid was an escape artist. So often I would come home to find my mum standing on a chair shrieking get that thing out of here! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  52. July 8, 2016 / 6:44 pm

    I feel your pain. My two boys each got a hamster back in April. They were 8 weeks old. One day short of having them for a month they boys were playing with Dozer and he fell off the table. I felt guilty for allowing them to play with Dozer unsupervised. That some how it was my fault. I could have prevented it. Perhaps Loulou and Dozer have found each other and are having a blast.

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      July 8, 2016 / 7:17 pm

      I am sure they have. Thanks for following us and commenting

  53. amylovestosew
    July 8, 2016 / 8:59 pm

    I remember feeling a similar kind of guilt when I lost my hamster as a child – he did however live an incredibly long life for a hamster, I think I grew out of the excitment of having him quite some time before he finally past away (sniff, sorry lovely Perkin, you will always have a place in my heart) #picknmix

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      July 8, 2016 / 9:06 pm

      The same for me! I loved him at first like a new toy and then got bored… When my baby arrived, it was over. That’s why I felt so bad when he died. Hopefully he is in a better place now… Thanks for reading x

  54. July 9, 2016 / 11:00 am

    Oh no! Poor baby. I’m sure it’s not your fault. I used to have a rabbit when I was a child. It escaped it’s running hunt and got chased by a big dog round the field. It had a heart attack died! 🙁 I feel your pain. Thank you for linking up with us. RIP Little one. Xx #FabFridayPost

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      July 9, 2016 / 12:38 pm

      Poor little ?. Thanks for commenting xx

  55. acornishmum
    July 9, 2016 / 12:34 pm

    We used to have hamsters a lot as children, some were lovely and cuddly and some were vicious little devils. Sorry to hear yours has died.
    Thanks for linking up to #PicknMix

    Stevie x

  56. organisedjo
    July 10, 2016 / 9:52 pm

    Sorry to hear your sad news :-(. I have never had hamsters but did have a fish that I won at the fair! Didn’t last long I must admit, not sure if it was my care or because it had been kept in a plastic bag on the stall!! #PicknMix

    • thefrenchiemummy
      Author
      July 10, 2016 / 10:00 pm

      Don;t worry, they’re very cheap ones. SO def not your fault x

  57. Rambles, Rants, Writings
    July 10, 2016 / 10:07 pm

    Hamsters don’t tend to last very long! We had one that lasted over two years once, and that was longer than expected. I’m sure you did everything you could! RIP Loulou and thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes

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