Today, I just feel like I am the worst person in the world. I must admit, I did something very bad. He is dead; he is gone for good. I will never see him again and I believe that’s all my fault. I feel terrible because I didn’t take care of him properly. Otherwise, why would he be gone so young? It was my responsibility. But I was so busy. The last 5 months have been intense, totally crazy. And now, I am just crying like a little girl. I promise I loved him. Or maybe not enough because I let him go?
It happened yesterday. Grumpy Boyfriend checked on him and he was there, lying down, not breathing anymore. At first, I thought it was one of Grumpy Boyfriend’s bad jokes. He arrived in our bedroom, looking contrite and said the dreadful words: ‘ll est mort’. I ran to the other room and the truth slapped me in the face. He was indeed gone, forever. I burst into tears. It was my fault. I didn’t care enough for him. I let it happen. Even writing this now makes me feel so sad and I can’t stop from feeling coupable.
I always thought that I wasn’t a bad person, but actually, I am the worst woman on earth right now! I am evil. I neglected him. I stopped looking at him, loving him a while ago. And now that I won’t be able to see him ever again and take him in my hands, I am terribly sad. What a selfish idiot I am! Don’t pity me. I totally deserve it.
You know what I did the other day while I was cleaning the house? Yeah, I sometimes do this miserable job… I was such in a mood about doing it that I was like a crazy woman in the flat. ‘Putain, merde! I can’t believe I am cleaning the house on a Saturday!’ He was there in the living-room and I was on a mission to hoover. Beau-Papa was coming the day after, so I wanted the place to be spotless (not that it happens a lot lately. But I can actually pretend it’s the case when people visit us). Fuming over my boring Saturday at home, I bumped into him and he fell on the floor. ‘Attention!’ screamed Grumpy Boyfriend. ‘He is here’. And me to whisper under my breath ‘Argh! Sort him out!’
What if he’s dead because of me? After all, I pushed him really hard… I am such a monster.
I remember when he entered our life, not so long ago. I was so happy to have him. I was cuddling him, feeding him, playing with him. The whole stuff. He was my baby. I would wash him and he wouldn’t be a big fan of it. I would let him play on the bed some evenings and somehow, he would always manage to be naughty and drive me crazy. But I found him cute with his little eyes, attachant even. I would pretend to tell him off, even though deep-down, he was making me laugh being so cheeky.
But then, I started losing interest. Quelle surprise! Me wanting something new and after some months being bored of it… But now he is gone, I feel like I should have done more. I should have played with him more often. I should have given him cuddles like I did in the first place.
Trop tard! Regrets are for idiots. I should have fully enjoyed it while he was there, in our life. Tomorrow, we are going to take his little body and put it in a box. In hope to forget how bad I was towards him last weekend and to redeem myself, I even selected the most beautiful box I have. One of my jewellery boxes. And we will give him the best funeral ever somewhere in the woods next weekend.
Yes, you guessed it. Mon hamster Loulou est mort. RIP my little friend. I am so sorry I totally neglected you at the end of your (too short!) life. Rest in peace au paradis des hamsters.
P.S, Grumpy Boyfriend insisted on me saying that it was mainly HIM who took care of Loulou all these months. I am such a terrible person!
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