Computer says ‘NO’

Do you remember this sketch in Little Britain where David Walliams plays a very unhelpful receptionist? ‘Computer says no!’ Well, I had one of those moments yesterday.


7.00 am and Baba needs milk. I feed the monster and I decide to stay up. After all, both my hommes are sleeping and I could catch up with some commenting and link up my posts. Cup of coffee ready and let’s roll baby!

Oui mais voilà, when I try to connect to the internet, it says that I have no network. The usual Frenchie Mummy would have been in a temper by now, blaspheming in French ‘Putain d’ordinateur de merde!’ She would have woken Grumpy Boyfriend up so that he could fix the issue for her. After all, she has a lot to do. She is a business woman, you see? She is a blogger, a freelance writer. And she is inspired! So she has to get it done.

But that morning, I felt strong, powerful even. The day before came with some very good news for my blog. So I reckoned I could fix it myself. How proud Grumpy Boyfriend would have been, right? No tantrum, no crying or whinging because of no internet. I was going to act as an intelligent adult who could work out and solved problems on her own.

Direction Grumpy Boyfriend’s desk where the router is. Totally off, no little light announcing life. Can you imagine ne pas avoir internet?! It’s like a flower without the sun! A stupid comparison I know, but bear with me. When you read the rest of this story, you will realise that I have already used all my brain cells available…

I wonder what happened? ? Panne d’électricité? I don’t even bother trying to check that the cables are properly in. It’s all behind the heavy desk and there are so many wires I don’t know where to start. Grumpy Boyfriend and all his stupid gadgets… Oculus Rift, his game controller and other stuff I don’t even know the name of. And I am the messy one!

Actually, I did try to see if it was all plugged in properly. I was doing alright until I banged my head underneath the table. When suddenly, I had the best idea ever. ‘Eureka! I can simply use my phone as a hot spot!’

But how do I do that? Grumpy Boyfriend always uses his mobile data when the main internet is offline. Dummy Frenchie goes for simple; she googles it on her phone. She finds the instructions, follow them. Super! It seems to go smoothly.

Ah non, catastrophe! The computer is asking me for a key security! Panique, I don’t have a clue where it is on my phone. I know the one on our router and how to reconnect to the internet if necessary, but not that one. At this point, I must have been back to my old self ‘Putain! Merde!’ I can’t remember really. It’s all blurry. I am convinced that all these electrical waves burnt some of my neurons…

So I try to google it on my phone ‘Where to find you security code to use your mobile data?’ When suddenly, a message appears on my screen. A spam has infiltrated my phone as apparently, I tried to access some adults’ websites. ‘Quoi?! No, I didn’t do that!’ MERDE!! Someone hacked me…

Now, they think I am a pervert who checks naughty stuff first thing in the morning! I never do that. ‘Maman, au secours!’ I want to cry! I am quick to disable my mobile data so that whoever used it to spam me can’t anymore.

Merde!’ I am so stuck now. What if someone comes and I get arrested for checking at inappropriate pictures or something like that? I don’t even dare to turn my mobile data back on to check what to do. I will ask Grumpy Boyfriend. He will know and sort it out for me.

Patience is key here. So I make myself another coffee and take a sexy pose to have my breakfast. I also make myself a toast with Nutella. With all these emotions, I need my dose of sugar. Let’s forget the diet. I might get arrested tomorrow, so I might as well enjoy it now…


That’s what I looked like. Chic, élégante… Well almost. Just imagine it with some Nutella on my face and still the stupeur of all that happened to me. En plus, I have absolutely no internet. Meaning I have access to nothing! No Twitter, no emails, no Instagram, no Facebook to keep me busy. ?

What should I do with myself? Grumpy Boyfriend won’t wake up before half an hour at least. Read a book? I never have time for that kind of things these days. Baba is asleep, I am totally free and I can’t do what I want.

‘Oh et puis zut, I go back to bed’. At least, it’s safe and warm out there.

Please forgive me if some technical terms are not 100% accurate. I am not a geek… Just a shopaholic and a bit of a dreamer…

And by the way, you know what was wrong with the router? Rien! Grumpy Boyfriend turned it off the night before because he had a problem with his phone and forgot to turn it back on!!! To be fair, the off/on switch is very small on the side. I pressed another bigger button, but obviously, it didn’t help…?


And I wanted to be nice and not wake Grumpy Boyfriend up too early in the morning! ? C’est sa faute if I wasted 2 hours!

Nominations for the Mumsnet Blogging Awards 2016 are on until 31st July. If you liked this post, I would love you to nominate me for the Best Comic Writer category. It’s very simple; just click on the link above. Merci from a Frenchie blogger ?



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132 thoughts on “Computer says ‘NO’

  1. Haha this sounds very much like me, I panic too when I get a spam message pop up, turn my phone off and throw it on the sofa waiting to be arrested for the adult sight I apparently was on. I love the little Britain sketch, my laptop says no daily, hourly even its time to get a new one #MMBC

    1. It was hard-work and in the end I still need Grumpy Boyfriend to help me. What an independent woman ? Thanks for reading.

    1. ? I know… I was so desperate not to wake up the rest of the house at the weekend I actually didn’t go for the simple solution, or at least the most obvious… ! Thanks for reading x

    1. I don’t even know what it is?! Now I need to check and I am a bit scared of what I will find. If I get into trouble, I will blame you…

      1. Don’t worry about it! My PC froze when I was researching celebrity love dolls! Thankfully I was able to sort it without having to ask OH lol

    2. Just checked it and it’s actually a very bad website! I thought you were joking! You naughty girl…I have a reputation I want to maintain, please do not put that kind of comment on my blog in the future ? You might tempt me in the early mornings …

  2. Oh no!!! This happened to me once with a remote control – thought it was the television that wasn’t working – tried everything – got stressed as wanted to watch something – husband came home from evening out and said oh I took the batteries out of the control last night to use for something else – grrrrr! Great post – really made me laugh – love that you’re a shopaholic! #chucklemums

    1. A quick question. I left a comment on your husband having a 6 pack post but I can’t see it . I hope I didn’t offend you? I have no intention to steal your husband, promise ? Thanks for reading, happy you laughed. Grumpy Boyfriend did too when I told him my story…

      1. I haven’t got a comment from you on my six pack post! Oh bless you for thinking I’d think that – I’ve just gone through and checked again and there isn’t a comment xx

  3. Oh I am constantly doing stuff like this. Now my motto is ‘Have you tried turning it off and on again Fran?’. Still, good to know you have an alternative 😉 #chucklemums

    1. I don’t bother with off and on again. It always take ages to load up again and doesn’t make any difference. I am for the quick solution: smashing the laptop and then cry because it’s not working well ?

  4. Omg I don’t know what I’d do without Internet. I once left my phone at a friends house and she went out for four hours (thankfully Facebook messenger on laptop meant I could contact her!) – I literally didn’t know what to do with myself! #chucklemums

  5. Haha… That is funny. I remember when I worked in an office, whenever I called IT the first question was ‘have you tried turning the computer on and off’ I would be so irritated but actually it was usually something simple. Glad you got it sorted 🙂

  6. I am old enough to remember the days when you could kick a faulty television and that would jump start it. Leads and cables and little blue lights are the bane of my life. Sends me into a spin of fury and helplessness everytime. Jo #chucklemum

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  8. Oh I can relate to this! I don’t like it when the Internet suddenly stops working. I love that you add French into your posts. I end up reading the whole post with a French accent in mind. It does take me back to school. I studied Français for five years and do remember some. 🙂 #BloggerClubUK

  9. Hilarious. Could feel your pain throughout. It’s always the way isn’t it that when you think you have some extra time to get on with the blog something goes wrong. My immediate default if the computer is not working is to switch everything off, unplug it and then start from scratch. It drives my husband bonkers! He blames me for causing all sorts of technical problems as a result. #BloggerClubUK

  10. I looked more like Gérard Depardieu than Brigitte while swearing at the computer last week….10 mins before leaving for hols and the printer is not recognised (need to print the boarding passes), then I reboot and the wifi goes bonkers….I used to work in IT support but cannot fix my own PC.

  11. Oh dear! It’s always something to do with turning it off and turning it on again. I’m on holiday at the moment and the wifi is patchy here. It’s so frustrating!

    Sally @ Life Loving

  12. I want to say I loved this post,it made me giglge but I feel like I am bad for laughing st someone else’s misfortunes! I love the way you swear in French, if I knew how to I would be doing that all day! It’s sounds so much more sophisticated! #BloggerclubUK

  13. Loved this, needed a good smile today. Sorry it was at your expense 😉 Glad you figured out what the issue was!! #brillblogposts

  14. Your a saint not waking grumpy boyfriend! I’ve had tv problems and literally text my husband to ring me asap when he’s at work so he can talk me through how to fix it- which usually ends up making it worse! #stayclassymama

    1. ? well, it was Sunday morning and I didn’t feel like spoiling his lie in. And he would have been in a bad mood all day!

  15. Oh sheesh! I have been having a major computer says no moment all week – my phone and my computer broke and now the wifi is on the blink! Totally feel your pain…wish I could just go to bed but it’s 9.30am and think it might be frowned upon lol! Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely xx

  16. I do remember the David Walliams sketch, his name was Ann! I’m the go to person in this house if the internet isn’t working…yes, my oldest who doesn’t sleep has woken me up in the middle of the night to fix it! I think your boyfriend is really lucky to have a caring partner like you. 🙂

    1. I wouldn’t say so. I am the worst mumzilla on the planet sometimes ? He always helps me for this kind of stuff because I whinge so much. Just thought he deserved a good lie in as it was the weekend. I felt that I was more mature but it didn’t really work out ?. thanks for reading.

  17. OMG I could have written this myself! When ever I think ‘no, I can do this myself’ it usually turns out that I can’t and when J helps, he taps a few keys and it’s done! Ahhhhh xx #ablogginggoodtime

  18. Haha this post had me chuckling all the way through it. I am a total technophobe (which is ridiculous when we are bloggers, right?!). I’m glad the internet was sorted in the end. I assume you are not sat in a cell somewhere for your transgressions?! hahaha. #coolmumclub

    1. No I am fine but it really got me worried for a minute. Grumpy Boyfriend laughed and said it was just a spam…Thanks for stopping by.

  19. It’s always the way. You get free time to use the computer and if it is working then there will be some form of memory vampire update to thwart you.

    It’s at this point I walk away, fetch my notepad and start jotting it all down before it fades!


  20. Ah, the panic of no internet! I always freak out whenever mine goes out, even though I could very easily read a book or, you know, have a conversation with my husband. BUT WHAT ABOUT MY BLOG? #stayclassymama

    1. The same here ? that is why I didn’t want to wake up grimy boyfriend. He would have been mad at me. Thanks for reading xx

  21. Oh god no internet is the worst!! I ran out of data last month and it wouldn’t let me buy more without my O2 details, I was like a mad woman trying to get my log in details! Anything but a conversation with the husband!!! #momsterslink

  22. haha! Im so glad its not just me lol 😉 I always mess up technical stuff, but now the kids are older I can always go to them to fix things for me – the teen can makes apps and everything!! Im just amazed at how much they can do.. You did well though, you remained very calm.. I would have been going mental with frustration (and worry) #coolmumclub

  23. “Panique”
    I was peeing myself reading that! How have I not come across you before… I am constantly having ‘Computer says no’ moments. But usually because I am totally incompetent and it’s nothing to do with the internet breaking! Do you know I thought linking up to a linky was actually just using the hashtag and linky name on twitter – UNTIL TODAY!!!
    I know, I know, I am a disgrace to the blogging world.
    Right, I’m off to see if I can locate the ‘follow’ button for your blog now – I don’t want to miss your next post! xxx

    1. No but It would be boring to have a perfect boyfriend in my post ? well thinking again about it, he is pretty grumpy lately as he works too hard and I have fun with my blog ?

  24. Oh bless you – I feel your pain. We live too far from the exchange to get broadband so we have to rely on mobile internet – enough said right? #FridayFrolics

  25. Omg can I relate!! The Nutella part was my favorite, I’m a huge fan and using find it crusted to my face at various parts of the day.

    1. I am so happy to see that everyone is struggling with computers. I thought I was the only one non-cool blogger. Thanks for reading x

  26. Ha ha this sounds like something I would do, I am not ‘techy’ at all!!! I laughed out loud at your adult website reference 🙂 xx #coolmumclub

  27. No internet connection sends me into complete panic mode. Our too is somewhere completely inaccessible. They need to make pretty routers so they can be displayed like an ornament! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  28. Oops. I had no internet last summer for 3 weeks. It was as horrendous as you may imagine (although thankfully I could access it at work)

  29. I’m completely computer illiterate. People think I know what I’m doing because I have my own website but it’s all a lie. I know nothing, and I’m too old to fully learn now. #binkylinky

  30. Reminds me of an experience I had juts over a year ago. The price of copper was very high and some theives ransacked a nearby telephone exchange for the wiring. It was a week before we had broadband again. Imagine that! #BrilliantBlogPopsts

  31. Oh dear Frenchie – what a performance . At least you tried tho , that’s the main thing ! I don’t think I even know what or where our router is to be honest . And you’re right – what is life without access to the Internet ?? #fortheloveofblog

  32. Ha ha ha I am sorry you had no internet and that you wasted 2 hours but this was very funny. I know several people like this. I know what to do but I always lose my temper and get stressed about it – even though I know what to do. We can never win… the internet is too important!

    Thanks for linking to #ablogginggoodtime

  33. haaaaa this made me laugh out loud! I’m the same. Always cussing at The Hub to fix the bloody internet coz its down again. Why can’t technology just work?? #fortheloveofBLOG

  34. Sounds just like me it’s very frustrating great post Thanks for linking to the #binkylinky come back next week please

  35. I totally know the feeling of thinking you are going to be super-constructive and industrious and suddenly some great big obstacle pops up and messes up your clever plans! Happens to me ALL the time. Usually some plug-in problem or some glitch that has me faffing about for hours…Or something ‘shiny and distracting’ that stops me writing a post. Glad things sorted and you were very sacrificial not waking up grumpy. #FortheLoveofBlog

  36. The off button can be small, easily done! On a more serious note, we actually turn our router off every night before bed, it’s supposed to disturb your sleep and has links to brain cancer! Believe it or not. #Puddinglove

    1. Well, we won’t do that. It’s too much work for me. Plus I am the proof that my brain has already got something…thanks for reading x

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  38. Oh dear, I have done that, too! And now you have made me crave Nutella … and we’ve run out. Disaster! #puddinglove

  39. Ah men! I would be full on blaming the BF right there! At least it was something simple in the end! I’ve tried using my phone as a hot spot too but it didn’t go to well! Ohh nutella on toast, I feel I need this in my life right now! #marvmondays

  40. haha this is soooo funny! I love your blog! My idiot husband does really annoying things like this – turns things off and goes out and I’m left like – what the hell do I do with all these cables and USB outlets?!! Its so frustrating ! The other one I get when I find some time to blog is – Windows Updates! For like 40 minutes – it has to do an update! Drives me crazy! #stayclassymama

  41. This made me laugh! What did we even do before the internet? Read? Actually talk to people on the phone? I probably wouldn’t have even attempted figuring it out on my own though. Technology can be wonderful and so very frustrating too! #AnythingGoes

  42. Haha, I leave all techie things to my husband – I seem to break everything I touch! I’m completely lost without the internet – what would we do in life without it? #marvmondays

  43. Haha putain de merde. My hubby’s French and I hear this one a LOT when it comes to malfunctioning technology. You’ll love this – he was in the office recently swearing at his computer not working and his colleague said ‘who do you keep saying LATER?’ It took a while for the penny to drop. ‘Ahhhh I’m not saying PLUS TARD….’ LOL #marvmondays

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  45. I love how funny and honest you are! This definitely sounds like me when I am trying to fix the internet or computer while everyone else is asleep. I always want to think that I am tech savy but it’s really not the case. Thanks for sharing! #ForTheLoveOfBlog

  46. I get caught up in days like this too where technology transpires to destroy my spirit. It is such a necessary evil!! I actually do enjoy fixing stuff though, if there is a problem. My other half is useless! #AnythingGoes

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  48. Luckily I am the techy one in our house – but it still infuriates me when it doesn’t work! Had it been my other halves fault I may have slightly lost it with him….! #puddinglove

  49. Another laugh out loud post! I hate it when we have problems with our router, it always seems to be at the most inconvinient of times like what happened to you. I cant believe after all that it was just switched off! I hope you managed to at least get some sleep when you went back to bed to make up for it 😉 Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. Emily

  50. Don’t feel alone! I feel like the. I sometimes feel as if the computer is a foreign object as well. I get so frustrated with the damn thing I want to throw it out the window! Thanks for the laugh and for linking up with #momsterslink. I still have to check my spam folder. I’m so far behind its ridiculous! I will prevail! How do you say that in French?

      1. Ok I found you in my spam folder and approved the messages but now I can’t find them to reply to them ? technology!

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  53. This was hilarious! The struggle is very real when technology just…won’t…work. Especially if you have no backup at the time.
    Jussssst for future reference, if you ever try the Mobile Hotspot route again, you should be able to find the hotspot’s security key from your phone! Usually if you go to your phone’s Internet settings and go to “portable hotspot” or “mobile hotspot”, you can find the security key for it. 🙂
    I hope your phone recovered from its ordeal. 😀

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  55. Gosh, who wouldn’t want to look like that with or without Nutella on face?!
    Brilliantly funny post and something I can so relate to as my first instinct is to turn to OH and expect a solution to my techie problem, as if my magic!
    But isn’t it always the on/off switch?!

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