Do you remember this sketch in Little Britain where David Walliams plays a very unhelpful receptionist? ‘Computer says no!’ Well, I had one of those moments yesterday.
7.00 am and Baba needs milk. I feed the monster and I decide to stay up. After all, both my hommes are sleeping and I could catch up with some commenting and link up my posts. Cup of coffee ready and let’s roll baby!
Oui mais voilà, when I try to connect to the internet, it says that I have no network. The usual Frenchie Mummy would have been in a temper by now, blaspheming in French ‘Putain d’ordinateur de merde!’ She would have woken Grumpy Boyfriend up so that he could fix the issue for her. After all, she has a lot to do. She is a business woman, you see? She is a blogger, a freelance writer. And she is inspired! So she has to get it done.
But that morning, I felt strong, powerful even. The day before came with some very good news for my blog. So I reckoned I could fix it myself. How proud Grumpy Boyfriend would have been, right? No tantrum, no crying or whinging because of no internet. I was going to act as an intelligent adult who could work out and solved problems on her own.
Direction Grumpy Boyfriend’s desk where the router is. Totally off, no little light announcing life. Can you imagine ne pas avoir internet?! It’s like a flower without the sun! A stupid comparison I know, but bear with me. When you read the rest of this story, you will realise that I have already used all my brain cells available…
I wonder what happened? ? Panne d’électricité? I don’t even bother trying to check that the cables are properly in. It’s all behind the heavy desk and there are so many wires I don’t know where to start. Grumpy Boyfriend and all his stupid gadgets… Oculus Rift, his game controller and other stuff I don’t even know the name of. And I am the messy one!
Actually, I did try to see if it was all plugged in properly. I was doing alright until I banged my head underneath the table. When suddenly, I had the best idea ever. ‘Eureka! I can simply use my phone as a hot spot!’
But how do I do that? Grumpy Boyfriend always uses his mobile data when the main internet is offline. Dummy Frenchie goes for simple; she googles it on her phone. She finds the instructions, follow them. Super! It seems to go smoothly.
Ah non, catastrophe! The computer is asking me for a key security! Panique, I don’t have a clue where it is on my phone. I know the one on our router and how to reconnect to the internet if necessary, but not that one. At this point, I must have been back to my old self ‘Putain! Merde!’ I can’t remember really. It’s all blurry. I am convinced that all these electrical waves burnt some of my neurons…
So I try to google it on my phone ‘Where to find you security code to use your mobile data?’ When suddenly, a message appears on my screen. A spam has infiltrated my phone as apparently, I tried to access some adults’ websites. ‘Quoi?! No, I didn’t do that!’ MERDE!! Someone hacked me…
Now, they think I am a pervert who checks naughty stuff first thing in the morning! I never do that. ‘Maman, au secours!’ I want to cry! I am quick to disable my mobile data so that whoever used it to spam me can’t anymore.
‘Merde!’ I am so stuck now. What if someone comes and I get arrested for checking at inappropriate pictures or something like that? I don’t even dare to turn my mobile data back on to check what to do. I will ask Grumpy Boyfriend. He will know and sort it out for me.
Patience is key here. So I make myself another coffee and take a sexy pose to have my breakfast. I also make myself a toast with Nutella. With all these emotions, I need my dose of sugar. Let’s forget the diet. I might get arrested tomorrow, so I might as well enjoy it now…
That’s what I looked like. Chic, élégante… Well almost. Just imagine it with some Nutella on my face and still the stupeur of all that happened to me. En plus, I have absolutely no internet. Meaning I have access to nothing! No Twitter, no emails, no Instagram, no Facebook to keep me busy. ?
What should I do with myself? Grumpy Boyfriend won’t wake up before half an hour at least. Read a book? I never have time for that kind of things these days. Baba is asleep, I am totally free and I can’t do what I want.
‘Oh et puis zut, I go back to bed’. At least, it’s safe and warm out there.
Please forgive me if some technical terms are not 100% accurate. I am not a geek… Just a shopaholic and a bit of a dreamer…
And by the way, you know what was wrong with the router? Rien! Grumpy Boyfriend turned it off the night before because he had a problem with his phone and forgot to turn it back on!!! To be fair, the off/on switch is very small on the side. I pressed another bigger button, but obviously, it didn’t help…?
And I wanted to be nice and not wake Grumpy Boyfriend up too early in the morning! ? C’est sa faute if I wasted 2 hours!
Nominations for the Mumsnet Blogging Awards 2016 are on until 31st July. If you liked this post, I would love you to nominate me for the Best Comic Writer category. It’s very simple; just click on the link above. Merci from a Frenchie blogger