Congenital heart defect

How I miserably failed at being a strong mum yesterday…

I am not in the right set of mind today. I think it’s pretty obvious with the title of this post really…Frenchie Mummy doesn’t feel like being funny aujourd’hui. She has a lot on her mind and all those horrible ideas are not going anywhere. It’s a shame, vraiment. The day is gorgeous. I could have been out with Baba. But I don’t feel like it.

Tomorrow it the BIG DAY. Le grand jour when it will all happen. As I explained before, Baba has a congenital heart defect called a VSD. He needs surgery to repair his faulty organ. We have been to the hospital yesterday for the pre-op arrangements. It’s been an exhausting and tiring day.

I am already in such a state… And it was only the pre-arrangements before the big day! We haven’t been through anything yet. I am dreading tomorrow. I don’t know how I will cope and if I will be strong enough.

We went to St Thomas’ Hospital at 10am and didn’t leave before 5pm. It was full of emotions. I know my baby is in good hands and the best cardiologists are taking care of him. But it was so depressing to be there and to go through everything: scan, IRM, ECG, blood test…

It took the nurses 6 attempts and a total of 1 hour to manage to get the necessary quantity of blood out of Baba. We had to come back three times because he was in such a state. Nothing would calm him down. The nurses eventually managed it, but it was so upsetting when I saw him screaming. His arms are now covered in little bruises where they tried to get the blood.

Staying around 7 hours in a hospital full of ill children was awful. I know I have no reason to complain when I think of my Baba. He looks so healthy and happy. He is now officially a big boy: 67 cm and a whopping weight of 10.35kgs. So yes, he is a healthy baby and the nurse said he will recover very fast.

Le petit monstre yesterday at the hospital

He is not like the other newborns we saw in the cardiac section yesterday. I met a little girl who was obviously premature. She was so tiny, I could hold her in a single hand…  Her mum was crying in the ward. It was probably not good news.

You have mixed feeling when you witness such a moment. Part of you feels really sad for this poor little thing and her family. But another part, I am ashamed to admit, feels relieved. Soulagée because your baby is not like that. He looks better, healthier. So you suddenly gain some hope that he will be ok. It’s terrible to say, I know but that’s the truth. I could not control it. I suppose, as humans, we have this bad tendency to compare ourselves to others.

So a difficult day hier and now I don’t feel much better. I thought I would really enjoy this day with le bébé before la tempête. I have some stuff to do around this house before tomorrow. I could do something nice with my little boy before his operation. But I don’t feel like doing anything.

He is now asleep. I thought that maybe writing would clear my mind up. I am so sorry that you may read that. It’s not really entertaining or funny. It’s just me crying like a little girl. But that’s all I feel like doing.

Looking at him now, he feels so peaceful. I reckon I will probably cuddle and try to kiss him too much today…

The plan is to arrive at the hospital at 7am in the morning tomorrow. He won’t have the operation before midday. But they need to prepare him and other stuff. I will stay with him at the hospital for about a week or so. I don’t know how I will cope with the whole thing. I will take my laptop. I reckon he will sleep a lot and I will have an opportunity to write. It will be therapeutic, j’espère! I can’t imagine staying around or doing nothing but watching TV and thinking too much!!!

I know how weak I am right now. But hopefully, after the 24 first hours in the intensive care, I will be myself again or at least a little bit. Wish me good luck!

I know I am not the only maman to endure this kind of things…


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81 thoughts on “How I miserably failed at being a strong mum yesterday…

  1. I am honestly glad I have read this after knowing that he is doing good. What a scary moment for any parent to go through. I think the hardest thing for me in life is to ever think of any of my children being sick or suffering or having to endure any kind of pain. I would gladly take it for them. Big hugs to you Cecile!

    Liked by 1 person

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