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It’s 7am and I am already crying

It’s early in the morning, 6am. Baba had his biberon and is back to sleep. I can get on with my blog duties: reading posts and commenting on linkies I took part in. I love doing that in the morning. It’s quiet and peaceful. Both Grumpy Boyfriend and le bébé are fast asleep. I make a coffee and settle nicely in the living room. I have about 2 hours of freedom to get on with my stuff.

So I am on my blog, replying to some comments when a new one pops up. I read it and like it. Obviously, I am a bit curious and click on this person’s blog. I love discovering new mummies like that. Oh boy, if only I didn’t! It’s not a bad post. Au contraire, it’s a beautiful post; the kind that makes you cry like a little girl and you can’t get over it. La preuve, I read it about an hour ago now and I am still in tears, shaking like an idiot. I am so happy I am on my own right now. I reckon the picture is not glorious: a mummy half-asleep, still in her dressing gown and she is a wreck. Literally, I am not kidding you.

Actually, I am so moved by this post, I feel like I have to write, in hope that it will calm me down. So that’s the post, right? A letter to Oliver, I don’t need to describe it. Just click on the link and see for yourself. This boy is such a cutie, right? Stop, I need a pause. Just looking back at it and I am in a flood of tears again…Where is my tissue? Let me check on Baba, just to make sure he is fine…

I am back, going through the blog where this person described her baby’s journey. One, two posts read… You must stop now Frenchie Mummy because it’s just ridiculous. I can’t take it anymore. I am crying so much, I can’t even read properly. Therefore I don’t know all the details. But if you are interested, you should have a look. It’s basically her son’s journey. There is also a video, but I don’t dare pressing play. I am too scared of my reaction. At first, I am thinking about following the blog, but I would rather not. I can’t be in such a state every day! Yeah, still crying now. Crazy…

I think what happened is that it showed me how fragile life was. That I could lose Baba anytime. It just opened a scar not totally healed. It reminded me that my baby had a VSD and he will need an open-heart operation. The kind that will last 6 hours! I would not even dare to compare my baby’s condition to what Oliver endured. It obvious that his battle was way harder than my little one!

The truth is this story slapped me in the face. Even if the operation that Baba will have in August to correct his heart defect is very secure (the success rate is 99%) and I totally trust the cardiologists, I can’t stop thinking about the little 1% left. What if it doesn’t work out? What will be next? For sure, I won’t be strong enough like Fran to write about it. The opposite really. If Baba goes, there would be no more Frenchie Mummy.

What would I do with myself? Back to work? Living like a zombie? Still crying. I can’t get Oliver’s picture out of my mind… Life is freaking unfair sometimes! Suddenly, I hear Baba crying. He needs a change. I do so promptly. But today, instead of putting him to bed straight away, I take him with me and give him a long cuddle. I know I should not rock him to sleep, but I do so, just because I can. He’s smiling at me. He is probably wondering what’s wrong with me… I mean, who cries like that in the morning? I will blame it on the hormones…

8am now, it’s been 2 hours and I am slightly getting over all the emotions. But I know I will still be crying when I post this and share with you Fran’s blog… I can hear Grumpy Boyfriend getting up. Quick, let’s wipe my face. Baba will be quick to follow.

Please have a look at this fantastic post that a mummy wrote to her lost little man and donate as well. It’s for a good cause. I will do myself because today, Fran and her story reminded me how lucky I am to be the maman of a beautiful little lad.

 

Fran’s Blog about Oliver’s story:

https://oliverjonesmummy.wordpress.com/

To donate to a charity or hospital, click here:

https://oliverjonesmummy.wordpress.com/donate/

Thank you so much to Fran who allowed me to publish this post. Have a look at her latest blog where she shares her stories with her gorgeous new little girl:

https://backwithabump.wordpress.com/

Nominations for the Mumsnet Blogging Awards 2016 are on until 31st July. If you liked this post, I would love you to nominate me for the Best Writer category. It’s very simple; just click on the link above. Merci from a Frenchie blogger 😘

 

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0 thoughts on “It’s 7am and I am already crying

  1. We’ve read that too and it’s heart breaking. It’s lovely to stumble across new blogs to follow, sounds like you wear your heart on your sleeve too – like my mummy xx #BigPinkLink xx

  2. Thank you for sharing and for a truly beautiful post. Don’t worry about that 1%. What will worrying do? Your little man is in the safest hands possible and I’m sure he’ll be absolutely fine. Let me know how he gets on. What hospital is it?
    And as for the video, it might make you cry but shows what a little dude he was, highs and lows xxx

    1. I know that’s why I don’t want to watch it. Seriously you screwed my morning with your post hahaha. I was so touched by your little man.Grumpy Boyfriend found me in tears… I will share your post on my facebook as well so that people can donate. xxx

    1. Fantastic if you like my blog. Prepare your tissues when your read Fran’s story. Please RT on twitter and facebook if you can. I would really like people to donate to the charities that helped them. Only if you want of course. I am going to donate myself right now. xxx

  3. Oh I don’t think I can read this post now (husband getting ready for work, kids playing), but as soon as they are gone I will check it out. Thanks for recommending it. #TwinklyTuesday

    1. Have a look but be prepared. Seriously I was so moved, or maybe I am just a bundle of emotions at the moment…I was crying again in the evening when I donated…If you like it please share it with your friends. Maybe they can donate a little something to the charities linked at the bottom? 😌👍merci x

  4. I just read it. So moving, but so postive and full of light. I am crying rather alot and will be thinking about that post for a long time to come. Thanks for sharing it. #TwinklyTuesday

  5. So unbelievably heartbreaking. I’ve debated about following Frans blog for a while now but haven’t because I would be just like you and cry non stop. But I will. Hugging my little one now. #DreamTeam

    1. I know… I am sure I will watch the video. Please share it on FB and others if you can so that we can help charities to get some money. I donated yesterday night and I was in tears again. thanks for reading lovely xx

  6. Thank you for sharing Fran’s post. It really is harrowing but there is light there too.

    I won’t comment on statistics. All you can do is make sure that you fight your corner and make sure that you get the best care you can and that they take you seriously and also take the time to explain what is happening. It can be difficult to resist ‘Dr Google’ but if you do stick to official sites rather than quacks trying to sell you something.

    #DreamTeam

  7. That’s what I like about blogging – new stories to read and new blogs to love. Fran’s blog is very moving. Like you say, let’s cuddle our littles just a little bit longer today. #bigpinklink

  8. I haven’t read the post but I am going to pop over now you’ve written about it so beautifully, I’m prepared for the tears though already being a mama to a special little boy #TwinklyTuesday

  9. I don’t know whether I should read the post or not. After reading your post, I know I’ll end up crying, but I also feel like I owe it to that little boy to read his story. #TwinklyTuesday
    Debbie

  10. Hi Cecile, I just clicked on your link to the VSD explanation. I don’t think a parent a live would judge you for getting upset. I’ve yet to pop over and read A Letter To Oliver (will do when I’ve finished here), but I have a feeling it’s going to make difficult reading…

    Those hours before the family are awake are always my best blogging hours too.

    xx

    1. Thanks for your kind words. I hope you were touched by Oliver’s story. Well, I am sure you would have been. Feel free to share if you want your friends to donate to the charities mentioned in Fran’s post. I did myself and (stupidly enough?) it made me feel a bit better, like he wasn’t gone for nothing…

  11. It’s 11.30 pm st night and I have just read your post. And now I am debating with myself about reading the Letter – as I know once I start I won’t be able to stop!! OK, here goes, see you on the other side! #BloggerClubUK

  12. Oh gosh, it’s 6.19am and I’m not sure I can handle tears right now but the post sounds amazing so I will definitely take a look after I’ve had a strong cup of tea. And what a lovely post yours is – I am sure I will feel the same after reading it. #coolmumclub

  13. I’ve just read that post and it is indeed so moving. I understand how concerned you are about your son’s operation. Even though it sounds more routine and very safe, when it comes to our babies, even a bruise can be a worry so no wonder you feel as you do. It’s actually big event for you. My OH had major heart surgery last year and it was an anxious time. Don’t cover it up and make sure you get all the support you need. I will be thinking of you. Jo x #BloggerClub

  14. That is such a beautiful heart-breaking post – thank you for sharing it. I hope all goes well with Baba’s heart surgery in August and I can imagine that it must be a very anxious time for you waiting for it. My daughter has had several heart surgeries and is currently doing well – it’s amazing what the doctors can do. Will be following your journey and hoping that all goes well for your little one too x #coolmumclub

  15. It’s easy to say but don’t worry about that 1%. Your baby is strong and with his Frenchie mummy behind him he’ll be unstoppable. Keep us posted on his op! Stay positive #stayclassymama

  16. Oh…not sure I can look at this post…possibly ever… Am sure it’s beautiful. Since kids, I am a weeping mess when it comes to children and heartbreaking stories. #coolmumclub

  17. I read this too, and watched the video, I was in tears too.. such a brave family! I then clicked through and read loads of Frans posts as well and went on her site about being Oliver’s mummy and read through a load of those posts as well.. I couldn’t imagine having to go through anything like that, I was so impressed with them as a family. Im certain you guys will be fine when your son has his op in Aug, its a scary time though right?! You can’t help but worry, its a major part of parenting 😉 #stayclassymama

    1. Please do because his family are so brave and the blog is such a positive way to have dealt with it. Please feel free to share their story in hope to get some donations for charities that helped them. Thanks for stopping by.

  18. Wow what a lovely post. I think it’s so brilliant that you are shouting about Fran’s moving post loud and proud. Life really is so fragile and its really overwhelming when that thought takes hold of us. So so moving. Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely x

    1. Thank you for saying that. I was so moved I made it a mission to share it with my friends on facebook and everywhere else possible so that people can donate for charities listed in my link.

  19. Why did I read your post and then choose to read that post AT WORK? Not the best place for a sob-fest. What a moving letter – a reminder of how precious our wee ones are. I’ll be hugging mine a little tighter tonight. #ablogginggoodtime

  20. I am afraid that i am not strong enough today to read the story of Oliver. I already know that I too will be crying for ages when I do read it and I have only a few minutes before work. I know that sometimes writing can be therapeutic, but I can’t bring myself to write about the loss of my dad, let alone a loss such as this. Heartbreaking. #Ablogginggoodtime

  21. I have read of Oliver’s journey previously an like you I was a mess, it is so sad, so unfair, and does make us hug our little ones as much as we can xx #stayclassymama

  22. Wow, that was hard to read, what a tragic and touching story. You say your son’s problems are not half of Olivers but it must still be terrifying for you, knowing that operation is coming up. I wish you and baby all the luck in the world to get through it. xx #stayclassymama

  23. I remember reading Fran’s story and having a cry too, I can imagine that you feel that much more connected to it with your son’s heart problems. I loved your post, it really brings home the emotion we all have as parents – that unimaginable fear of losing your child. Life can be so cruel and unfair sometimes and it can be so overwhelming when that hits you. I’ll be thinking of you come August – I hope everything goes smoothly and for you. Thanks again for linking up with us at #SharingtheBlogLove – I really hope we’ll see you again next week!

  24. I couldn’t click on it – I was too scared! We have been in and out of hospital for the last 5 years with my eldest daughter. It is something I haven’t even mentioned on my blog yet because I just can’t find the words. One thing I have learnt, though, is that mummies have great strength, and when the time comes, you find resesrves of bravery and strength that you never knew existed. I hope the op goes well for you little one. #sharingthebloglove

  25. I’ve read that blog too and it made me cry too…sometimes blogs touch a piece of your heart and it’s like you’ve opened up the gates and can’t close them! So lovely of you to share you finding this blog, hope you’ve recovered and it hasn’t put you off returning to the blog! Thanks for linking up with #stayclassymama xx

  26. That’s every parent’s worst fear isn’t it? Losing a child? My boys are 14 and 9 and that little fear demon, that paranoia still haunts me every now and then, especially at night when all I do is think. I imagine it can be especially hard for parents such as yourself who are going through something with their children that, even if only a 1% chance, could lose your child. It hits close to home. Perhaps too close. I won’t read the blog post because I know that I will cry too but I admire you for writing about a blog post that affected you so profoundly. Popping over from #momsterlink

  27. I don’t know if it’s all the toddler stories in the media lately, but this morning I said a prayer about how grateful I am to have my healthy baby. The hardest thing for any parent is outliving their own child. My heart breaks for Oliver’s parents and for all the parent’s who have experienced the loss of a child. Make me think so differently when I am having a bad day with my son now. At least I have him to have bad days with. Nice post 🙂

  28. EVery time life just feels so very bad, some one else, somewhere else, has it worse. Perspective is so important, as is empathy. Humanity is, as far as we know, shortlived. We all need to remember that! #momsterlink

  29. Also read this and bawled my eyes out – full blown ugly tears and everything. Such a beautiful and inspiring post about something I can’t even begin to comprehend the difficulty of! x

  30. Well done to you for having the strength to write this post and share another mummy’s story. You will stay strong for your boy through his operation. I am really enjoying reading your blog!! #momsterslink

  31. I’m not sure I can read the post at the moment as I’ve woken up feeling extra emotional (pregnancy and a cough/cold don’t go well) but when I’m feeling a bit more stable I will have a read. It’s wonderful when you discover fantastic blogs, even if they do make you sob tears. Try not to think about the 1% lovely, remember it’s a really tiny number. Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday l

  32. Ohh I don’t know if I can read it, I am soo emotional right now I would probably end up crying all day. I will make sure to read Oliver’s story and donate at some point, maybe later today when I’m more awake and less likely to be a blubbering mess. Just from what you have written about it though I am already cuddling my boy a little tighter as he cuddles up next to me now in bed for our lazy Saturday morning. I bet Grumpy boyfriend was wondering what on earth had happened when he found you crying.xx #picknmix

    1. Thank you so much for donating! That’s why I screamed and shouted about this post as well 😍😘 When I did myself in the evening, I was in tears again… Grumpy Boyfriend didn’t say anything but he stared at me. He probably thought ‘it’s too early for me to have upset her’ I calmed down quickly. I had to anyway as Baba wok up as well. Thanks for reading xx

  33. I’ve heard Oliver’s story and I have donated. I also love Frans new blog & so admire her strength. This is a lovely post cherie. Xxx #fortheloveofblog

  34. goodness how completely heart breaking. I wasn’t aware of Fran’s blog and story but I am now. thank you for sharing. and I really hope you are in that 99% too in August xx #ablogginggoodtime

  35. It really is heart breaking isn’t it. I’ve read it before and it made me emotional, and certainly made me want to hug my children tighter to me. Life really is so precious x

  36. I’m not sure I want to read it. I’ll bookmark for later and think about it. But your tribute means it must be exceptionally moving… #Fortheloveofblog #KCACOLS

  37. I am bracing myself, and I am off for a read now. So lovely of you to share the post #KCACOLS

  38. Being a mother of 11, I don’t think I could handle reading something like that. Your baby will be in my prayers for a successful surgery in August. Visiting from #KCACOLS

    1. Fran, you have no idea. Even writing that now just make me feel like crying again… I wish I discovered your blog before and could have helped in any shape or form! Hopefully, we will have raised some money and help other children xx That’s it I am crying now 😑 Hormones….

  39. I was reading another post of frans the other day and read reference to Oliver. I wasn’t brave enough to read on, but I will. Although perhaps when Kipper is a little older (8 weeks at the mo). I hope your little ones operation goes well, thank you for joining us at #Bloggerclubuk hope to see you again this week xx

  40. I’ve looked at this post a few times now. My middle lad went in for a routine procedure that needed him to under a general. He’s was four, autistic and didn’t understand what was going on. It’s was heart breaking. I’m not sure I have the guts to read the post right now… Will mark for later when I think I can xxx #KCACOLS #coolmumclub #ablogginggoodtime

  41. I have read Fran’s story and I had to reach for the tears. As a mum you just can’t imagine what that must be like and you can’t allow yourself to be in that place for long. I am sure having a connection to Fran’s story made it even harder for you and I will be thinking of you in August. Thank you for linking up to #SharingtheBlogLove x

  42. I can’t bring myself to read it this evening but I definitely will in the morning when I am less hormonal and tired. I can never believe how strong mummys are when they write about these things, its incredible. #fortheloveofBlog

  43. This is the story of my life. I’m often found crying at my laptop. I’ve read that post you linked to about Oliver & it really affected me too. Life is so precious, we definitely need to appreciate & love our children & families. #AnythingGoes

  44. I often read posts by other mums that stay with me all day and sometimes I do end up in tears too. Good luck to you and your little one in August xx I am off to have a read now xx #mg

  45. Gosh, how incredibly sad. It makes me appreciate everything we have even more so. I hope your little one’s op goes well next next. Keep us posted xx #DreamTeam

  46. I have read and commented previously on this post though another linky, but I am back through #mg. Thank you for sharing this, it is just so sad, I was crying to when I read it, I just feel so lucky that my 3 children were born healthy.

  47. It’s lovely when you stumble over something that really resonates with you, regardless how hard. Life long connections maybe. #blogginggoodtime

  48. I’m sat here trying my hardest not to let the tears flow. A letter to Oliver is such a heartfelt post and one that just really makes to stop and appreciate what you have. I hope your little ones op goes well and that it’s a success! Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday.xx

  49. As a NICU nurse I see the best and worse regularly but there is nothing that pulls on my heartstrings like when parents talk about their loss. On a personal level it is so unimaginable. Will pop over for a read tonight X #puddinglove

  50. Thank you, I haven’t even clicked on the link yet and I am in tears reading your version of the story. I hope your little ones opperation goes well. Maybe I will pop over and tweet it out and not read it. do you think that counts? I am not sure I can handle tears today 🙁 #KCACOLS.

  51. When I read and hear of stories like little Oliver’s, it brings me to tears if I’m honest. My heart goes out to Fran and her family, brave brave people. My youngest daughter was 6 wks premature, she had complications but I’m so happy to say she made it and is flying. Oliver wasn’t so lucky. Such a sad story which you’ve explained beautifully how profound an affect it had on you. #fartglitter

  52. I’ve been a real fan of Fran’s writing for some time, and I admire her strength and determination in what must have been unimaginably difficult times. She and the work that she has done is an inspiration, and it’s so touching that her writing has moved you to want to share her story too. You have written this post so honestly and from the heart and it is so sad but so moving x
    Thanks for sharing with us at #fartglitter.

  53. My Mum once told me that you lose about 50 layers of skin when you have a child. And it’s so true, I don’t think any parent could read a story like that and not break down in tears. x #KCACOLS

  54. It’s incredible just how supportive, sharing, informative and emotive the blogging community is. When you stumble upon a post that really resonates with you, it’s like you’ve found a real friend and despite the circs, it’s a lovely feeling. #DreamTeam

  55. Ugh it doesn’t even bare thinking about does it? I’m an emotional wreck at the moment being massively pregnant so I’m worrying even more but to read stories like these are heart breaking. 🙁 #bestworst

  56. Oh gosh how awful and sad, I just read it, I shouldn’t have as I’m not feeling my best today. Blog post have a tremendous way of attaching themselves to us, and getting us emotional whether it’s happy or sad. I’m sure that your little man will be fine following his operation, please don’t try to worry yourself, but I imagine it’s hard not too, remember that you are both in the best possible care. Thanks so much for sharing this post with us at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

    1. Thank for my baby. Hopefully, it will be ok but when I read Fran’s story, I was juts devastated. I cried all day, just seeing his pic in my head. even in the evening, when I donated, I was a puddle of tears… x

  57. What raw and beautifully honest posts from both you and Fran. This is why I love blogs. So much happens in our little world, that just writing it down, brings us parents closer together. Thank you. Sending hugs. Renee @peonieandme #bestandworst X

  58. I’m the same when reading posts that involve children or babies that are sad. It makes you realise just how unfair the world can be. It definitely affects me a lot more since having children of my own. It was so brave of Fran to write it and to have the strength to carry on.

    Thank you for linking up to #PicknMix

    Stevie x

  59. I know the feeling good of reading someone’s post and losing it. It happens to me quite often. I’m a little afraid to read the one you shared. I don’t need to lose it on my lunch break. Thanks for sharing!#KCACOLS

  60. The world is so unfair! I have three children – two boys aged 4 and 8, a girl aged 11. I feel so thankful every day! My eldest has just started secondary school transition and my little one starts school in September. I don’t feel ready for either of these schooling events and then I read heartbreaking stories like this and realise that my worries are trivial in comparison. Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes

    Janet X

  61. The poor family it’s a terrible thing for any parent to go through and certainly does make you appreciate every precious moment. I’m not surprised you were so upset. She’s so brave to write about their experience and it makes every parent relate to situations like this. I hope your little boy is ok during his surgery and stay strong for him, bless him. Also I read a post just after I first started blogging that made my heart break about a mum losing her daughter to cot death x #bestandworst

  62. Sat here with tears running down my face, life is just unfair isn’t it but what a special letter that was. Best of luck with your baby’s operation xx #tuesdaytreasures

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