I want to kill him!

7 reasons why I want to kill Grumpy Boyfriend

Oops, pardon! Wrong title. What I meant was 7 reasons why I want to slap Grumpy Boyfriend in the face. I must apologise if I seem a bit violent today.

The thing is, I was in the middle of writing a complex post yesterday (it involved a quote by Shakespeare) when my partner was interrupting me non-stop.

I set up the scene.

It’s more than 10pm. Your (so loved but so demanding!) baby is eventually asleep and you have an hour or so free before you collapse exhausted into bed. So you’re typing. The post is quite intense and philosophical.

You don’t want to sound like a tart or a dumb ass to your dearest readers. So you pay attention. A lot, even if your baby is right next to you, making the worst prouts (see my Frenchie lesson to see what it means) you have heard for a while. You are trying really hard to concentrate when le monstre is probably doing a very bad poop live, just in front of your eyes! Le bébé also snores like a pig, sorry, an angel (Always! My Baba is too cute to snore like un cochon.)

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Is it true that Frenchie babies don’t snore? Dream on!

Donc, here I am, being all intelligent (or pretending to be) and Grumpy Boyfriend won’t stop commenting or talking to me. When the only thing I want to do is to write a decent post (if it’s possible).

Impossible! No need to say that I just give up on writing a metaphysical post. I might even never post it.

Pourquoi? Because I have a better idea! I am going to have my revenge. Instead of having an argument with the person who happens to be my other half, I am going to write about him. He might even read this right now lecteurs!

You see, Grumpy Boyfriend secretly subscribed to my blog. I reckon he wanted to check out if I was talking about him. And every time he receives an email with my latest post, he is taking the mick out of me without even reading what I am publishing. I know, he is super rude…

But today, he will have it for his money! Chéri! This post is for you!

So here are 7 reasons why I want to slap Grumpy Boyfriend in the face:

  • When he puts a small plate in the top section of the dishwasher. I explained to him a million times that it blocks it and he should put it in the lower section of the bloody machine!
  • When he doesn’t close the wardrobe door. How difficult is it?!
  • When I ask him a simple question but instead of answering it with just one word (when it’s totally possible), he just goes on for 5 minutes without even answering what I asked in the first place. At this stage, Frenchie Mummy is probably asleep.
  • When he leaves his tea bags in the sink. He may not have discovered that we have a so-called bin… Ok, I am unfair here. I probably told Grumpy Boyfriend off a thousand times and he is not doing it anymore. VICTOIRE!!!!

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  • When he doesn’t help to get the baby to sleep. This one needs an explanation. Frenchie Mummy spends 30 minutes trying to make Baba asleep but gives up because le petit monstre won’t have any of it. She decides to go and have a shower to relax a bit (she is quite stressed out at this point, so she deserves it). And what do I discover when I get out? Baba jumping around like it’s party time in his Jumperoo! Le bébé was supposed to sleep!!!! No need to say that Baba went to bed late that  time…
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Playing after 9pm, the dream comes true
  • When I catch Grumpy Boyfriend clicking on an article on the Daily Mail about Miranda Kerr or any other fit bird who dares to be slimmer than me… You remember when I described that I broke a mirror once? That was one of those moments. Moi, jalouse? Mais non!!!
  • When I mop the floor in the kitchen for the third time in a week and he drops something within an hour. At this stage, Frenchie Mummy decides to be on strike and not do any housework for a month…

And you? When do you feel like killing your dearest other half? Please feel free to comment. I want to laugh and I promise I will never tell your boyfriend/ husband / partner you shared it with me…

Disclosure: this post never happened. Someone must have hacked the Frenchie Mummy Blog. I deny any responsibility for the list above. I didn’t write this post…

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103 thoughts on “7 reasons why I want to kill Grumpy Boyfriend

  1. Ha ha, that’s hilarious. I actually killed my other half once. His body is still under the lawn in the place I used to live many years ago. Nobody noticed, they thought he had emigrated! If you want to kill your boyfriend, if you message me I’ll give you some tips about best methods. Obviously, you’ll need to make it look like a suicide or an accident, so I have plenty of useful tips. 🙂

  2. I want to slap my hubby in the face when the baby monitor goes off and he turns and looks at me!! or as soon as he smells a bad nappy been prepared he legs it up the stairs like Hussain bolt suddenly needing the toilet where he sits on twitter whilst I clean sed nappy!!
    #lazymen #whoneedsthem #wonderwoman

  3. Hahaha this is a brilliant idea – I would like to hear what he thought about it. I would kill my grumpy boyfriend for never tucking the chair in under the breakfast but leaving it in the middle of the room! Seriously? An-oy-ing! #KCACOLS

    1. He pretented he didn’t read it but I reckon one of the comments is his under a nickname… I asked him but he denied LOL. BTW, I found all your lovely long comments from last week in my spam folder. Thank you so much for taking the time to write a second time!!!! xxx

  4. Haha I love it! Honestly I think most of the time my other half wants to slap me, I’m the annoying one in the relationship – a combination of being young and immature, and having ADHD so I am forgetful, messy and can’t pay attention to save my life! Girlfriend from hell right here haha! #KCACOLS

  5. Oh yes, Misery Guts is guilty of many of these. The one that drives me crackers is that he always dumps all the clean plastic containers from the dishwasher on the draining board, instead of putting them away in the plastics cupboard. One of these days I’m going to throw them out the window… #KCACOLS

  6. 😉 Me? Slap, kill? Never. Well perhaps when he is talking to me after I tell him I need to hear this AND I am wearing a headset, then he complains that I am not listening…hello?? Thanks for the laugh! Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday

  7. I love this post, very funny. My hubby leaves his shoes in the middle of the floor on my side of the bed, why!
    #KCACOLS

  8. Love it! My hubby does 1000 things that drive me nuts, but I love him dearly. I mean how hard is it to close your dresser drawers? or the kitchen cupboards?? And yes, every time I sweep he gets out a bag of chips or makes popcorn and the crumbs and bits are everywhere! Glad we can connect and share our frustrations.
    #EatSleepBlogRT
    ~Jess

  9. I enjoy the denial at the end! The things that annoy me about my other half are similar. If the baby is about to go to bed and I’ve mad everything quiet and calm, I’ll nip upstairs only to come down to some sort of riotous disco where Daddy and baby are dancing and running around to exciting music. Grrrr!

  10. This is too funny. I agree sometimes they are like another kid. I think I went completely insane when my hubby left his cereal bowl out after I just cleaned the kitchen counters for the 3rd time. Ahh but they have some good points to I guess…lol.

  11. Oh dear….lets see…

    *When he leaves food waste in the sink (WTF!?!!)

    *When he leaves empty packaging all over the counter….

    *When he undresses and leaves his clothes all over the house…

    *When he keeps saying he’ll do something and it takes months for it to happen…

    That’s at the top of my head! haha

    #KCACOLS

  12. Fabulous post, whoever hacked your blog, wrote a fabulously funny piece which all us ladies can relate to. I must admit, that Mr. Orange Dog doesn’t really cause too much bother, but then we don’t live together. But and I mean BUT I started reading this post on Saturday morning and have only just finished as he interrupted by visiting! I think that is pretty bad form, I mean, how dare he interrupt my enjoyment of Frenchie Mummy’s blog!

  13. Haha! The bloody dishwasher…. How hard is it to load the thing properly? My Hubby likes to put rubbish next to the bin, not in it! And laundry next to be basket, not in it! I have even recently caught him hiding washing under the bed ‘to put in the wash later’. They laundry bin is NEXT TO THE BED! I must admit these things are happening less and less. He is slowly getting the message.
    #KCACOLS

  14. Very well written! Do you want the number for Relate? Or alternatively, I can recommend a good divorce lawyer 🙂 Alison x #chucklemums

  15. Hahaha I had exactly the same a couple of weeks ago, whilst in a complete flow with my writing. I bit his head off as all reasonable bloggers would do. Last night I found myself in the same blissful situation – I couldn’t type the words fast enough…then I heard my husband approach and…silently skulk past me. I felt a little bit mean but I got the post done so hey ho no harm done!. #chucklemums

  16. Oh I do love this! Why do they fill up the washing basket and then just continue to walk past it without loading it up? Why, if they are the last one out of bed, don’t they just put the sheets back? Why won’t they take down the bloody recycling! Honestly, sometimes it would be easier to live alone…well, the financial side helps 🙂 Still, someone has to love him!

    1. I reckon one of the comments above are his! lol He wants me to write a nice post about him. To be fair,I need to do that as he is a very nice person… It’s not his fault. He is just a man, something wrong with his biology… xx

  17. This is so funny and reminds me why I Divorced ( twice) sadly my Son is the most annoying male ever but I can’t divorce him!

  18. Every single time the Hubster loads the dishwasher I just want to scream. For the first time I decided not to reorganize it, when it was done I made the Hubster empty it. He was shrieking that everything was still dirty. No kidding. I don’t harp about dish placement because it doesn’t matter…

    Now he loads it my way.

  19. Hahah only seven? I think I could write a three part novel on the reasons why I want to kill my husband, I discover a new reason each day! The worst for me is that every morning I come down the stairs and his dirty nutri bullet glass is stood by the sink, not rinsed out, with a knife with peanut butter beside it, again not even rinsed, and a trail of gloop along the counter. It irrationally enrages me to the point that any day now I’m going to flip and the nutribullet will be gone forever….in the bin! #momsterslink

  20. The tea bags in the sink things gets me too. Or when he wipes down the kitchen counter and then LEAVES THE DIRTY KITCHEN TOWEL JUST SITTING THERE! There’s a bin right in front of you. Ooh, I’m all fired up now. #FridayFrolics

  21. Haha brilliant! My slap reflex is triggered when “Daddy Pig” leaves a scatty bit of milk in the carton and opens a new one. Then denies it’s because he doesn’t want to deal with the empty one stating it’s because he doesn’t want to “mix milks”. Hmmf. Brilliant post. V funny x #Momsterslink

  22. When he thinks that whatever he is doing is more important than whatever I am doing and expects me to drop everything to rush to his side and help him. Women’s work gets no respect. Sigh.

  23. Hahahaha what an awful hacker you have for writing all of these truths! I may want to slap hubby for his inability to make a decision ever, then I make it and he disagrees with it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. #FridayFrolics

  24. Pahaha!!! Brilliant! The thing that my other half does that really annoys me is leaving food out of the fridge. He’ll make some toast and leave the butter out. Or have some cereal and leave the milk out! Aaargh! #PoCoLo

  25. Hahaha!! Love it!! I can totally relate on most of these…especially taking 5 minutes to answer a question! Why?!!! Thanks for joining us at #Sundaybest, hope you see you again tomorrow!

    1. He did. He now wants me to write a nice one about him. He doesn’t want people to think that he is a horrible man. He is not. It’s just me being cheeky and annoyed. Thanks for reading and commenting on two posts tonight x

  26. Haha! All perfectly good reasons to be annoyed! I particularly dislike the ruining of recently cleaned areas!

    Thanks so much for joining us on #FridayFrolics. Hope to see you next time.

  27. I CAN TOTALLY RELATE TO THIS. I hate it when I have to tidy up the tea bags that are left by the kitchen sink from my partner! I mean, the bin is right next to the kitchen sink, it’s a simple movement, probably easier than just leaving it by the kitchen sink.
    Also, why can’t their cover the salmon before putting it in the microwave to cook? It explodes every time!
    And don’t get me started on the clothes and shoes that get left in random places and the wallet that never can get found.
    Saying all of that, I love her and there is nothing I would change about her. She is the best Mum and wife I could ever of asked for.
    All the best,
    Hubster
    2TravellingTots

    (bet you didn’t see that coming!) 😉

    1. hahah, no I didn’t! For a minute I was like ‘what? Hold on? I didn’t know ytravellingtots were two girls’. I bet actually that is you who does all the things you mention! I can’t believe a second it’s not you!

  28. Ah, the dishwasher – a cause of many marital disharmony, we have different dishwasher-stacking strategies here too, and of course mine is better. MOH always seems to answer the “what do you want for dinner tonight” with a question, usually “what have we got” my response is now the same as yesterday apart from what we had for tea. Drives me potty. Then he’ll go out of his way to request something we don’t have. So now if I’m feeling stroppy (I know, it has been known) for me that translates to take-away, or better still, going out!!

    Thanks for sharing with #PoCoLo and hope Grumpy Boyfriend survives X

  29. Oh the tea bags in the sink. My Monster In Law does that and it drives me mad!!

    Mrs OMG mops the floors three times a day. God help anyone who walks in from outside without removing their shoes.

    #effitfriday

  30. Haha! Love this! You always crack me up!
    I can relate – especially closing the wardrobe door and mopping floors! Argh. Well, Frenchy baby was happy with his late night party 🙂 x

  31. How adorable!

    I’d say I dislike it when he nit picks my sentences. I’d use a word just for the sake of finishing a sentence and instead of answering the question, he’d attack that word.
    I’ve gotta be reaally specific when I talk to him!

  32. I love this post. You had me at the title because I swear men gets PMS! My man gets into theses mood monthly I swear! Often I ask him “So when is your next work trip?” I rather deal with three kids then a Grumpy Man.

  33. My OH clips his toenails in the living room so they ping all over the carpet. That’s fairly gross but grossest is when he takes his underpants off and flosses his sweaty undercarriage with them before tossing them on the floor. Sometimes I sit and fantasise about burying him under the patio.

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